Thursday, February 18, 2010

Embracing the Tiger

I have not heard from my daughter in over 2 weeks.   I called and texted frequently since we last talked, but never got an answer or a call-back.   She is usually pretty good about keeping in touch with me, if only because I send her 'care packages' whenever she contacts me.    It finally occurred to me to pull up her phone log on the internet (since I pay the cell  phone bill) and I learned that her phone hasn't been used since February 4.    The last two calls were to 911.   Her dad went to check her apartment the other day and no one knows where she is, except that she was last seen with someone locally known to be "bad news."    I know from past experience that it is too early to panic, but this is not a good feeling.    It is so sad to know that she can't make good decisions, and that I am powerless to keep her safe.    I am telling myself that she is still caught up in Mardi Gras fever, and that all is well, or as well as all can be.

ADDENDUM February 20:   My daughter called tonight.  She told me this confusing story - 2 weeks ago, she went somewhere with a friend, fell soundly asleep, was awakened by a single gun shot.   One man dead, another in intensive care, a third with a flesh wound.  Not sure where she was exactly and seems only to know the street names of people she was with.    She just thought she should call - 2 1/2 weeks later -- to let me know that she is fine, and remarked that she sees this as proof that god wants her to stay alive.   Today was the first time she could borrow a phone.   She thinks her phone is somewhere at the crime house.   If it was used for the 911 calls, I imagine the police took it into evidence.     She said that the police could hardly believe that she slept through it all and didn't hear the other shots, isn't it amazing?  

Amazing.     There are so many people who are robbed of wonderful lives by accident or disease, who fight so hard to stay alive.    My daughter's illness makes her reckless with her own safety, at best.   She is so sweet and naive when she is at her best, so unpredictable and difficult other times.   I checked the internet and sure enough, the local papers down there reported a February 4 shooting, with one man killed and a second in intensive care.    How on earth did she get to this place, to this horrible life?     I can trace her decline and lots of my own mistakes, but have never been able to identify, even in retrospect, the place where I could have stopped it.     One would never guess that I had a professional job, that she was raised in a middle class life.    How scary that her life has come to this, that surviving a multiple shooting is our version of all being well, or at least as well as all can be.

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