Thursday, March 17, 2011
March has traditionally been a bad month for me. So I am trying to count blessings but, as is so often the case in March, I am mostly feeling Doomy. Daytime and nighttime lately, in vivid dreams, I am worried about a particular person. Some of her worst hurts have been March-based, from the time she was injured as a little girl, to the time she was kicked into a pulp by a gang of steel-toed thugs, to the time she hurtled off a third story building, to her court date this coming Monday. I struggle with what I can do that would be helpful to her, knowing from experience how many things I've already tried without success. This March has been marked, as well, by a voice of judgment from my past that seems to think it can intrude into my life and finances and decisions and shame me into its point of view. After 24 years of its blessed absence, I am not inclined to welcome that voice back into my life, especially to accuse me of an inability to care about another human being. Oh well. I have had many uncomfortable times in my life; a favorite religious adviser once remarked that my life was such a roller coaster for awhile that I was a Made For TV Movie. I have learned that the worst fears rarely come to fruition and, if I breathe and wait, most things pass. I am counting the days.