Friday, December 21, 2012
The day has been dark and dreary and much too cold, but winter is half over and that has to be reason to rejoice! This feels like an in-between time in my life, neither good nor bad. I find myself withdrawing at work, not wanting to feel all the sadness. I find myself toying with the idea that I should be working more on happiness than on wrapping my mind around death. Death comes soon enough, whether we are ready or not.
Many of the people I work with have lost their spouse. They are filled with stories, especially this month, of strange experiences that comfort them. The light that only works at night, when he would know that she is afraid at night without him. The object that appeared, in plain sight, only after he said aloud that he didn't know where she kept it. The music, or television program, that turns on by itself.
I do not tell them my beliefs, or my dis-beliefs. I do not point out the obvious, that there are natural explanations for almost everything. I tell them to hold those stories close, not to share them too freely because of the danger that people will explain away the details if they do. I tell them that no one can explain away the comfort the experienced, or the connection they felt. I tell them that nothing about love is logical, but it's still the truest thing we know.
I don't tell that that, to my shame and surprise, I am so jealous of them. Not for the love they lost, but for the love they had.