Sunday, November 2, 2014

November Already

This has been a beautiful weekend, and I should be more content.   Today, at least, I am tired, and that helps.   We had our monthly search and rescue field drill last night, a 4-hour night drill in the woods, and the combination of tromping through the underbrush and a late night were good for me.   (That's me in back in the floppy hat, all that bundling on top of my natural padding!)  It is challenging to do compass work and keep a bearing in the dark, it is challenging just to walk through the uneven terrain, over fallen trees and through puckerbrush when you can't see anything beyond your flashlight.   There was ice on the puddles and frost on the ground by the time we finished for the night.   But so much fun!   And the skills we learn in a night search will make daytime searching seem easy by comparison, or so we hope.

Not much else is going on.     My sister gave me a pair of inexpensive earrings that she bought for me specifically because they are called "Waiting For My Lover" earrings.   She loves omens and symbols, as do I.   They are cute and I was pleased.   I have the best guy friend in the world, a perfect almost-brother, and grateful for that, but there is still an empty space in my life.    But the earrings broke right away, which seemed too clear an omen to me, and made my thoughts turn to the things I do not have.    I have spent a lifetime giving my heart where it was not wanted, and at this late date it is extremely unlikely that there will ever be a Yin for my Yang.   I have never wanted to be anything other than a partner in a loving relationship so it is hard for me,  no matter how old I get, to shake the yearning for what seemed to be a  destiny.   My life is good and I am grateful for family, for health and for good friends, and I spend my days trying to make life better for other people, but I expect I will still feel cheated when I finally die because this has seemed since childhood to be my only purpose, and yet it has eluded me.     It doesn't help that I will officially be Very Old at the end of this month.  Shake it off.   It serves no one to stay too long in self pity.
Life goes on.   My work continues, although our hospice is shrinking.   I'm not sure why, since people are dying as often as they ever did.   Some blame the changes in insurance, or upper management, or the many competitors that have sprung up, making it a very different market than when we were the only hospice in town.   My manager gave me a Spirit Angel for Pastoral Care Week last week, perhaps as encouragement, to show that she values what I do, although I keep telling her that it would make financial sense to lay me off with so few patients.     A sign of my burn out, I guess, that I am so eager to leave, but so far I am still working.

Tomorrow is Monday, and it all begins again.  But this weekend was fun, filled with cold air and exercise.  Life is good.


Kim@Snug Harbor said...

Love the picture of you in the floppy hat. Doing the drills at night gives it an interesting perspective.

The angel is adorable. Enjoy your week.

Niky Sayers said...

It's never too late xxx

StitchinByTheLake said...

Yesterday I was visiting with an 80 year old friend and neighbor who lost her husband just over a year ago. Another neighbor, a widower, visits her several times a week for coffee. She asked me if I thought that was okay...what would the neighbors think. And she assured me, "it's just coffee!". She is lonely despite the fact that her calendar is full of activities and she has attentive children and a ton of women friends. There is just something about the companionship of a man that seems to be ingrained - God given - that meets a need. We all have it. I'm sorry you have not achieved that goal of finding a good companion. I know it is painful. I will pray for peace of mind and enough grace to ease your heart. blessings, marlene