Monday, September 28, 2015
Seeking My True North
I am getting ready to move on to some new adventure, and I use that term oh so very loosely. When I leave my job at a local Hospice, I will be leaving some things that have become oppressive and frankly annoying to me. Our census has shrunk by about 90%, and yet the complaining of one branch of co-workers has increased at least that much. Meanwhile, my hours have been cut way back. As a result, we are doing less and less to serve our clientele, through no fault of our sweet manager but with no excuse that I can see except lack of engagement. Or burn out, which is certainly understandable given what we do and see every day. I should be able to just shake off the attitude of the one or two on our small team, so maybe it is a sign of my own burn-out that I cannot. I am beyond ready to leave and only staying this long because of a promise I made to another coworker, that I would stay until the end of the year. On the other hand, I will miss the work that I did in the beginning, and rarely have the opportunity for now. It is a humbling and amazing experience when you get to touch someone's life at this final, mysterious stage, and it has been a privilege. I seem to have a talent for work that people consider depressing, which might not be such a good thing when you think about it, but it has been valued by the few who get to experience it.
Still, after decades of volunteer work and employment in the areas of loss and death, including AIDS, homelessness and bereavement, I am ready for something more lighthearted. I just don't know yet what it will be. So I am taking inventory of myself and my life and my preferences, trying to find direction.
One thing I have experienced in just these past few years is Fun. As improbable as it sounds, I had no idea what it was and, in the beginning I would repeat silently to myself, "this is what Fun feels like." Turns out, I like it. I wish I had started learning about it sooner but I am glad I finally learned to laugh out loud. Part of that is that I have a friend that I enjoy doing things with, which is both good and bad for me. Good because I have so much Fun, so so much Fun. But bad because we are not a couple, not a partnership, so I can't count on it and yet I haven't learned yet to have the same kind of Fun on my own. I need to work on that. So many things I have to work on! I need to settle my mind and get ready for another leap of faith. "Jump. The Net will appear."