Shedding the wolf

Tying Myself Up In Useful Knots

2012-01-25T11:04:00.000-05:00

I signed up again for a Fly Tying class. I realize that crafts bring me the same sort of benefit as meditation. I focus on what I am doing and get lost in it, which lets the worries and stresses fall to the wayside for a few minutes. I had hoped that Fly Tying would be a way to meet other people who want to fish, or at least who know where I could go to fish. But instead, I create my own little cocoon there and, although I can hear the others chattering away, I am busy just tying. Oh well. As Popeye used to say, I am what I am. So last night I missed out on the fishing tips, but I tied 10 egg sucking leeches. My instructor likes them leggy, and he held mine up as examples of a well done pattern. What could be better?

I tried this week to read a crochet pattern on my own, for the first time. I have a lot to learn! Another class might be in order. I was going for a toddler size, but if I am lucky, the finished product might fit my granddaughter's 18" doll. Honestly, it might even be too small for that. Here it is modeled by Sweet Pea, the adorable dolly I won from Emily at The Nest last year:

Even though the hat obviously didn't turn out as I had hoped, I was ridiculously pleased with it -- a sign, no doubt, of how low my standards are. Because see, it isn't the hat is was supposed to be, but it IS hat-shaped, and cute as a bug's ear, so I am happy with it as a first attempt. So happy, in fact, that I treated myself to a Sausage McMuffin with Egg today, after a meeting at work that I had dreaded and survived. I know, I know. The stuff is poison. But I had a coupon.

I'm On A Home-Made Roll!

2012-01-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

I didn't think that my quilting teacher was very good, until I made a block by myself. Now, several wasted cuts and ripped-out seams later, I can see that she was very helpful, indeed! It took a lot longer without her, but finally I finished my second block. For those who asked, I also discovered that the pattern is called Hole In The Barn Door.

I sewed my two blocks together and now I have a quilted two-sided pillow and a new skill.

I won some quilting materials recently, so now it's time to get serious and see what I can do!

I am also still practicing my crocheting -- a couple of mini-scarves are done! I'm not sure how useful they are, but I am hoping that my grandchildren will be easily impressed.

My Crafty Side Is Showing

2012-01-18T19:20:00.001-05:00

Today I had meetings at work all morning. I excused myself for a lunch break, but went instead to a Quilting mini-class. A couple hours later I was back at work, with my first quilted piece, a 14" square. Are you kidding me?! I am turning into a crafting machine! (yow, I just noticed how the colors turned out in this photo -- it is actually lime green, bright blue, and white. I may be a crafting machine, but I am clearly NOT a photographer!)

As Good As It Gets

2012-01-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

This might sound awful to some of you, but this is what I thought about today on a long drive home from a small town. Much of the time, when I visit people who have lost a spouse, I feel so bad for them, I wish I could take some of their suffering. But sometimes, like today, I find myself simply in awe of the relationship they had. On those visits, although I am sad for the spouse who is still here, I am also struck by the knowledge that this is as good as it gets. A long and loving marriage, where both people respected and loved one another, where the grown children are certain and secure in the love and pride of both parents. It is sad that one of them died first, but it is a pure sadness, with no tinge of anger or bitterness or guilt or regret. I can gladly sit and listen to the stories of those families for hours on end, and the only feeling I have when I drive away is envy. Our lives are so short, they are melting away before our very eyes. But we are capable of such beauty, and I was privileged today to see some of it.

Finding My Crafty Self

2012-01-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

I took a beginning crochet class tonight. It was as if I was channeling my dead mother, who was an expert crocheter, making lovely things even after her other mental facilities faded away -- I couldn't understand a thing my instructor said, by my fingers went along and single/double/half-double crocheted away for a couple of hours. I don't know if I'll keep doing it, but it was a fun way to spend an evening. And I've gotten my new year off to a good and crafty start!

Then home to a late dinner of taco soup and wine. Life is good.

Pretty Is As Pretty Does

2012-01-13T08:18:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know She looks soft and nice and pretty. But I have been here before, and I can tell you from experience that once I get involved, and I know that I will, I will be given the cold shoulder. And cold feet. And frozen fingers. Because, no matter how pretty She looks, Snow has a heart of ice. If I had any inner strength, I would walk away from this relationship forever. But today, I will shovel.

Getting Old Is Like Watching Turner Classic Movies

2012-01-10T19:50:00.000-05:00

I know, I've been moody lately. But heck, I spent the last couple days sitting with people as they died and presiding at a funeral. It's moody work and, as you might imagine, we tend to lighten things up when we can. So I was joking with a coworker today who asked me if I ever considered leaving my job. Are you kidding, I responded. I start looking for the exit the minute a relationship begins. I was JOKING. But then, of course, the light moment passed, and I was left to wonder about what I had just said. And I replayed another old movie in my head.

When I was a little girl, I was told that someday I might come home from school and no one would be there because all the good people in the world would have been swept up in The Rapture. And that I, no question, would be left behind because (for reasons I am still not clear on) I was not a good girl.

No complaints. The emotional independence that I gained early on, preparing to be left behind, has served me well in many ways. I know where the exit is. I am ready to stand on my own if I have to. But seriously, could I take a few minutes now to relax?

Losing Touch

2012-01-09T17:15:00.000-05:00

I was reading a post the other day about touch, with the lovely suggestion that our soul surrounds our body, so that "when we connect with our bodies - holding hands, rubbing shoulders, making love... one soul is communicating with another," and that touch is "the way in which our highest spirit expresses itself to another." I suppose that would explain why hugs and touch are so important in hospice.

In his discussion, the author, who calls himself The Shadow, talked about his childhood family, and the lack of touch that existed there.    It made me think of my own childhood, where touch was mostly absent.

Although our family didn't otherwise hug or kiss, we were required as children to kiss our father goodnight.    Once he slapped me for forgetting.   I hate to think that was his "highest spirit." I would hate even more to think that such a spirit passed on to me.

Good grief, what a legacy!    Quick, give yourself - or someone else - a hug!    Let's awaken those souls as often as we can.

She's Got Talent!

2012-01-09T17:08:00.001-05:00

I got such a lovely "pay it forward" gift today! Mrs. A -- in Australia! -- from Wish Upon A Star, was one of the people who signed up for a gift 'swap' waaaaay back on March 9, 2011! I had forgotten that I had a gift coming, so it was a lovely surprise to hear from her. She is a very talented lady, who does lovely quilt-work and beautiful photography of envy-inspiring travels. And she sent the most lovely gift -- a large quilted square, exquisitely done. Thank you, Mrs. A, I love it -- I wish I had that kind of talent, and I am amazed to have been given such a lovely gift!

2012-01-09T07:38:00.000-05:00

I made a new recipe yesterday, one of those test recipes that I am not allowed to share, with brown rice, poblano peppers, tomato, lime, and avocado. Nothing about it sounded good to me, but, to my surprise, it was delicious.

Things at work are in some sort of flux. Political factions seem to be pulling and pushing in ways that I don't understand, and I don't know whether or when any of it will affect my role. At the moment, things seem to be the same as always, except that I don't know where to turn in my time sheet this week. Part of me isn't sure whether to care because I am still not convinced this is a good fit for me. Hospice work can be, if you'll pardon the obvious, a little unsettling. It is wonderful to feel helpful, but not so good to feel constantly awash in sadness and death. On top of that, I so often feel like a hypocrite. I am not sure, not one bit sure, what I believe, and I have never experienced the kinds of relationships that so many of these people have. Also, I am not entirely convinced that it is good for me to be involved in this series of intense, short, and very real relationships at work when I don't have the security, the safety, of a genuine relationship to center me once I'm home.

And I find myself getting superstitious. I'm not sure whether this comes from my fundamentalist upbringing or my pagan youth, or maybe it's a combination of my troubled youngest and my aging body. But I wonder whether, by sending me to hospice, the Universe is teaching me to grieve, or to die? I am, of course, hoping to be spared both.

At this point, I am not thinking about quitting this job, because there are, obviously, many lessons here, just wondering whether the job will be swept out from under me. I am trying to be more aware of the currents than I was in my last job, noticing that changes are afoot. I need to remember that the extra money has been a good thing, but that it would be better for me to spend less rather than make more. If another "downsize" is coming, I would like to be less surprised than I was the last time. But I've learned, over and over and over again, that you can never be really prepared for the surprises around the corner. I comfort myself, a little, with the knowledge that I will roll with them when they come. And who knows. Maybe whatever life has in store for me next will be delicious, despite my concerns.

Make Yourself At Home 2012, I'll See You In The Morning

2011-12-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

We had our traditional chocolate fondue, popped party poppers, blew our horns (oh those horns), and played a rousing game of Dixit.

I'm full of sugar and fruit and chocolate, as well as a little wine. I'm ready to let this year go. But not so eager for the next one that I need to stay up. Good night all. See you next year.

One Last Look At Christmas

2011-12-30T07:23:00.000-05:00

Time to clean it up and pack it away for another year. Good-bye, Christmas tree,

good-bye seashell tree (with colors washed out by a brief moment of sunshine, lovely sunshine!),

good-bye Santa that my daughter made me many years ago,

good-bye basket that my son made me when he was a cub scout,

good-bye angels and flamingos and candy canes,

good-bye beignets and sugary treats.

See you all next year!

Soup Weather!

2011-12-29T13:25:00.002-05:00

Ready For Next Year

2011-12-28T07:45:00.000-05:00

The holidays remind me of all the things I meant to do this year, and the year before, and the year before that. So too many things go back onto my 'next year' list. It is time to revise my "61 things to do before I'm 62" list - although I'm not sure I'm up to doing a "62 before 63" list. I am pleased -- amazed, really -- to say that I accomplished most of the things on last year's list, but the hard ones are coming right back at me. Again. Here are some of the things I did not do last year:

1. I did not invite a new person into my house.    For many of you, this would have been the easiest item on the list, but it is almost impossible for me.    I am pretty much a loner by nature.    Although I have never believed that I was meant to live alone, I have lived alone for many, many (many) years.   My son and his family come into my house several times in an average month.   My siblings, a couple of times a year.    And that's it.

I think, perhaps falsely, that I am as nice, as warm, as welcoming as the average person, but I have not had luck finding and staying in a relationship of the sort I always envisioned.   I know that, at 62, neither the need nor the odds are as great as when I was younger.    But I like the idea of a warm body next to me on the couch, sitting shoulder to shoulder, listening if I feel like talking (and if my voice ever comes back!).    Even so, in decades of waiting - and yes, I know that word raises implications as to the reasons - it simply hasn't happened.

At the very least, I need to plan not to be alone on holidays. I am a pretty passive person; it has only recently occurred to me that I could have had a say in how my life unfolded.   So I am inclined to approach things with an "ah, so that's the way it is; I'll adjust," attitude.    And so, after I was divorced a zillion years ago -- 24? -- and I "lost" (in the divorce settlement) my family gatherings on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, I just reconciled myself to spending those holidays alone.   Which is ridiculous, of course, but which is also exactly what I still do.   And yes, these days, on some of my alone times, I could easily walk down to my son's house and they would be happy to have me stop in, but I advise people all the time not to create their whole life around their kids, and I try hard not to do that.

Now I already do a lot of things to try to meet people, mostly ineffective, which is all well and good.    But the thing is, next year I need to try harder.    Of course, this year I've been sick -- but wait, am I always sick at the holidays?    I wonder.    So next year, I need to make a plan in advance for the Danger Times when I know I will be alone, and when I expect I will not be happy for the alone time.

And yes, since you ask, I DO think about getting a dog.    It's not the warm body I had in mind, but it is a relationship that I am certain I could find, which puts it high on my list of possibilities.   Seriously, if I'm not going to get serious about bringing some new people into my life, maybe it is the year to think about a pet.   I don't want to have to scoop the yard, but no relationship is perfect. Besides, I could dress it up and roll it around the block in a baby buggy like I did with my poor kitties when I was small.

2. Health matters. Although I did check off all the pesky tests my doctor wanted me to do, I did not increase my exercise or get to a healthy weight. I need to get more serious about my health. In fact, my health is good, but the warning signs are there. My glucose creeps up a bit more than it used to in the morning, my weight moves steadily upward, and my stamina and flexibility are in the toilet. I am exhausted most of the time, and tired all of the time. My joints always ache. I am 62 years old and have no serious health issues, but my warranty has expired and it's time to do a better job taking care of myself. I think I have the choice to do something about it next year; by the year after that, the choice might be gone. My plan is to start by trying yoga, once a week. And back to Weight Watchers, where I am a lifetime member who has run a muck.

3. I only went fly fishing once last year, and I did not catch a fish. This year I need to fish or cut bait, whatever the heck that means in terms of fly fishing. I don't much care about fish, but I like standing in streams, and casting is meditative. And I was given a kayak for Christmas, something I didn't want and can't imagine using. So next year I want to try harder to get out and fish, to find out whether this is a hobby I want to pursue or not. And if not, I need to pass that kayak on to someone who will love it. It is not a great time of year to fish right now, but my plan is to sign up for a new fly-tying class in January, and go to a women's-only fly fishing/tying retreat in February, hoping to be inspired.

4.   Straight Shooting.   I did quite a lot of target shooting last year, and I became fairly competent, but my time on the range tapered off after I went back to work. I don't have a back yard where I can fire a gun, and the nearest range is half an hour away.    Next year I want to set up a schedule and keep to it so that I don't lose my skill.    I can't expect to shoot 3 times a week like I did in the beginning, but perhaps I can commit to twice a month.    Not enough to keep me really good, but hopefully enough to keep me good-ish.

5. I failed on my ambition to make freezable dinners. Partly because there is no room in my freezer. So this year's goal is to buy a small freezer for my basement, and get back to cooking so that my son/daughter(in-law) and I will have emergency vittles.

6. I did NOT check out any local music or theatre.     Back on The List for 2012.    I want to at least get to World Cafe and the Crow once.    If I hate it, fine, I don't have to go back, but I owe it to myself to see what's around here before I stay home every night and watch network tv.

7. I want another vacation with my sister next year.    Even thought I checked that one off The List, it goes back on again.

8. Maybe I will try geocach-ing.    I have a smart phone now, and there are lots of caches hidden within a few miles of me.    What do I have to lose?    Kim at Snug Harbor Bay makes it look like a lot of fun!   It's free, which is a big plus.

9. I don't care whether or not I ever make a pair of earrings.   It would be fun, but I'm not willing to make the commitment or buy more stuff.     If I see a convenient local class, maybe I'll reconsider.   I am sure, though, that I will do some crafty things.    My bloggy friends come up with great ideas, and then I just copy cat them.

10. On the other hand, I also don't much care about my basement, but getting rid of all the junk and getting organized goes back on The List anyway.    Because it's embarrassing.   Next year, I'm planning to get it under control.

11. Connected to the messy basement, I still want to downsize my stuff.    Way too much stuff.

12. Also back on The List for next year, the potting table.   I have a big old door just sitting there, so I either need to make it into a table and spare my back, or drag it out for the trash guys.

13. And I'm definitely going to scan those Rome photos next year, as soon as I remember to ask my son to explain again how to use the scanner.

14. I went shelling - sort of - with my grandchildren last year.    I want to share other things I love with the this year. I think this item will be easy to check off, but putting it on The List will keep me thinking about it.    Probably not sharks teeth yet this year, but I'm looking forward to that someday, too!

15. Although it was on last year's list, I'm not really sure I want to take piano lessons.    But I hope I'll remember to consider it next year.   I definitely need to find ways to stretch the creative centers of my brain.

16. Next year I am putting finances on The List.    I want to spend more mindfully, to stop wasting money on things I don't even need or want, so that I have more for the things - like travel - that I do want. My biggest weakness is spending money on other people, for things they don't want or need.   Working on it.    (even as I type this, I've ordered two things online.)

17.   Next year I definitely want to snorkel with turtles.   And/or belugas.   And, of course, my sister.    Adding her to this particular list makes me laugh.     And maybe that's what it's all about.

18. I want to see the Northern Lights.

19. I want to get to New Orleans to visit my daughter.

20. And I want to find more sharks' teeth.

I'm ready, Next Year.   Bring it on.

Santa Came Early!

2011-12-24T09:33:00.001-05:00

I won an advent prize from Janne at Spindelmaker, and it arrived in time for Christmas! Janne is an artist, by which I mean not only that she makes beautiful things, but also that she sees beauty even when it is hidden, and - better yet - helps me see it, too. Her blog delights me over and over, especially her paintings and her textile creations, although she does so many things - costume and set design, jewelry, the list is endless. Check out her etsy shop, I really love her 'girly girl bags'! I think she's amazing, even though she and all her family seem to be elegant and pretty and talented -- the sort of thing that would normally just annoy me. The niceness of her just keeps pulling me back.

Anyway, her package arrived today, with my little advent prize, a little mitten ornament that she knitted, and which I promptly put on my tree. No surprise, I love it! But the package contained more than just my prize. She also sent one of her Christmas-greeting postcards and a note on a sweet little gift card that pictures one of her textile parrots, AND a packet of herbal tea and, another surprise, little numbered hearts, very sweet, which I've also put on my tree for the time being, although I am not sure that is where they'll stay. For now, I will sip my tea (which is lovely and soothing at a time when I am feeling cold and damp -- I've pretty much lost my voice today!) and enjoy the view.

Thank you Janne, again and again.

The Other Side Of The Story

2011-12-23T19:47:00.000-05:00

I could try to tell this story, but I wouldn't do it as well as Dr. Bobbi French does in Finding Me In France, one of my favorite fill-my-need-for-fantasy blogs. She is usually funny and irreverent, but she generally makes sense, and, in this case, she offers a timely reminder at a time of year when I am inclined toward all kinds of excess. Click the link, read her blog entry "Food For Thought," and see what you think.

The Night Before The Night Before

2011-12-23T18:11:00.000-05:00

I felt somewhat better today, after 24 hours of shivering and fever, and I had work to do at work, so in I went. And I'm glad I did. I meet the nicest people. Not always, but more often than not. One man told me with tears in his eyes that he is not afraid to die, and is grateful for a life filled with blessings, but that his family will miss him so much and it hurts to know he won't be able to comfort them. For some reason that touched me so much, because he (rightly) knew how loved he was, and was worried only about the ones who would be left behind. His family, for their part, was anxious only about his comfort, and even the littlest 4-year-old grandchild hugged me and thanked me for coming to visit his grandpa. When I offered to pray with him before I left, he called the whole family in and made sure we were all touching one another, and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room when I left. I meet many people whose faith - the type, the degree, the existence - is very different than mine, but something about this man, his spin on what was important in life, and his family made a special impression. He was funny, and practical, and not sentimental, and a wonderful man to meet. And - a little like finding a special shell or an amazing sharks' tooth -- the odds against my ever meeting him were nearly overwhelming, the window of opportunity is so small. It humbles me every time I think about it, and makes me feel very fortunate with each new "find."

So that was the good thing that happened today. The bad thing was that I got all lazy and decided to have cereal for dinner, and

I found something yucky in my cheerios. Very yucky. It is brownish gray and a little rubbery. I don't know what it is and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. It never got anywhere near my mouth (thank goodness), but I am still struggling to quiet my gag reflect.

I'm going to go and try to think, instead, about how fortunate I am for a bit. And I'm crossing cheerios off my grocery list for the time being. Besides, I'm really not hungry anymore.

It Must Be Nearly Chirstmas (because I'm sick)!

2011-12-21T17:58:00.001-05:00

Cold, damp and dreary, chills and fever -- doing the holidays my way! Ugh. Got all wrapped up with 2 robes, 2 pair of socks, a fuzzy blanket, and a microwave-heated pillow. I am certain that a little sunshine would set things right, but this is the best I can do. Hopefully all better in time for work tomorrow!

Giveaway!

2011-12-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

This is the last week for Janne's advent giveaway at Spindlemaker! All you need to do is comment and you could win one of her beautiful bread bags -- even though I would rather win it myself, lol! Go quickly, before I change my mind, and give yourself a chance to be a winner!

New Normals

2011-12-18T10:44:00.000-05:00

I am back at home, back to work, getting the laundry caught up, and (almost) unpacked. It suddenly feels like the year has flown by, hard to believe that Christmas is next week, that 2012 is just around the corner. At home I am trying to wrap and clean and plan Holiday food. At work, I am trying to comfort people who are dying, and families who are losing someone to death. As I swing back and forth between my two lives, neither situation seems any more normal than the other.

It snowed last night. As I went out in the early morning to visit a patient who is not doing well, the driveway was slippery. Shells and sharks' teeth still clutter my kitchen table, reminding me of warm beaches and sunshine. It is good today to be reminded.

Dr. Cranky

2011-12-14T12:08:00.000-05:00

I have posted a few times about a friend who is known to you by a not-so-friendly name. Among many other annoying and negative things, he has told me for years that there is no such thing as a pretty baby, that they are dull and uninteresting, and that anyone who thinks so is fooling themselves.

He met his 8-month old granddaughter for the first time yesterday. He phoned me with tears in his voice to announce that she was the most beautiful baby.

There is hope for humanity after all.

Home Again

2011-12-14T11:07:00.003-05:00

I arrived at Detroit Metro Airport last night, and spent the night at my sister's. This morning, I was on the road at 6:30 am, a time that - on the beach - was the beginning of first light. Here, it didn't begin to be even barely light until nearly 8 am. I miss the sunshine. I miss the sound of the surf and the cry of the osprey. I even miss the ridiculous sand fleas, that look like cartoon characters as they tumble in the waves.

As I go through the photos of my trip, I remember the many things I didn't post about. Faces and sights and sounds, more than I can post here. I am glad to be home (and especially glad to have found and turned off the faucet that has been dripping for the past 9 days. Not only an almost-criminal waste of water, but a mistake that I will pay for dearly when the water bill arrives.) I brought back a lot of sand and teeth and shells, but I left part of me on Sanibel.

This one is my favorite, I think it should have won the whole caboodle!

Day 7, Hard To Say Good-Bye

2011-12-13T07:54:00.000-05:00

I am leaving this morning, and I have a lot to do, so I allowed myself one hour, from 6 to 7 am, to get out on the beach one last time. It was beautiful. I love being the first person out, it is a sacred feeling. I didn't pick up a thing. I have plenty already. But leaving here is always bittersweet. I will be so glad to see my family, but it is hard to leave this place, especially at low tide.

6. Best. Day. Ever!

2011-12-12T22:06:00.001-05:00

Day 6. My last full day on vacation. And I had the BEST DAY EVER! Prepare to be jealous, envious, and amazed. Seriously.

I left my condo at 6:45 am and headed north. (I didn't get back to Sanibel until 4:45 pm! This was an all day adventure!) When I arrived at Englewood, my day-planner, The Essential Beachcomber, met me with an apple fritter and a smile -- what a great way to start the day, right?! And then she took me -- are you ready? -- SHARKS' TOOTH HUNTING!! I have waited for this day for a LONG time, and it was NOT a disappointment. Unfortunately, I won't be able to do it justice, because I've already forgotten the name of the first beach, but it was on Manasota Key, and it was beautiful.

I had never been there before. I had never even thought of going until I read the descriptions of shark tooth hunting on The Essential Beachcomber. I was hooked then, and I'm even more hooked now. It was fun to see the jumbo sand fleas that she pointed out to me -- on Sanibel I am used to seeing sand fleas that are the size of, well, fleas. On Manasota Key they were enormous, the size of cocktail shrimp. So that was fun, but it was super exciting to see my first tooth in the middle of the shell crush, and then another, and then another.

I found a LOT of them, and Mrs. Beachcomber found even more -- she has the sharkiest eye! -- and she insisted that I take every one of them home with me. What a great day.

But she wasn't done with me. Next, we went to Stump Pass, where she produced the most amazing picnic lunch. I have had a lot of good meals this week, but nothing tasted as good as the cuban sandwich, carrots, hummus, and honeydew melon eaten on a tiny spit of land between the Gulf and a small inlet, water on both sides and blue sky above. We found a few more teeth there, and were treated to an amazing display of gopher turtle aggression, with one large turtle beating his head against a smaller one until she ran away. Quite the show.

Before I left to return to my home base, Mrs. Beachcomber surprised me with a big ol' bottle of MORE sharks' teeth!

And if that wasn't enough, she sent me on the road with a candy bar for dessert. Gooey, stickey fingers but no worries, it's a rental car!

Thank you so much, Karen, I can never repay your amazing generosity. Englewood and Dearborn are CRAZY not to make you their official ambassador. I can't wait to return. It was a truly wonderful day.

But that's not all -- I saved the most amazing for last! The Amazing Essential Beachcomber found -- and gifted me -- a nearly intact megalodon tooth. INCREDIBLE! Every bit of this find is unbelievable to me. I can't wrap my mind around the idea of a 40-foot shark, much less that they became extinct millions of years ago. And that they sent this tooth to ME!!

Tomorrow I return to Detroit, and cold weather, and work. But I have sharks' teeth to show my grandchildren, and stories of the Best Day Ever!

Day 5, Good All Day!

2011-12-11T22:45:00.001-05:00

I ended my Day 5 by having dinner with Snowbird, Tink, Tootie and Jeanne -- what a fun and nice group! It was so good to see them all. After dinner, we met up with several other our of favorite friends for cuddles, squawks, more drinks and dessert. Definitely a nice way to end a nice day!

Celebrating Advent!

2011-12-11T10:45:00.000-05:00

Don't forget to check into my friend Janne's giveaway on Spindlemaker -- I won a prize from her, a little mitten ornament, and can't wait to get it! Janne is an artist and everything she touches is beautiful, which makes her weekly advent giveaway an especially sweet offering. Go! Make a comment and maybe you will be her next winner!

Visit Emily at The Nest, too, while you're at it. She is posting a new craft for every day in Advent. I am planning to try her hot chocolate recipe as soon as I get home -- I have have never used brown sugar in my cocoa, and I suspect it will make a richer flavor. Emily and Janne make me want to make more of my Christmas gifts but, alas, I am not as clever as either of them. Still, they have inspired me to do more this year than I usually get done.

Day 5, Still Good

2011-12-11T09:29:00.000-05:00

What a beautiful morning for a walk. The tide was low and far on Lighthouse Beach, where I walked in the dark. I didn't pick up any shells, but just love being able to walk out 'forever' into the sea. Although it doesn't appear so in the photo, Blind Pass was also extremely low when I got there, and I walked out farther than ever, ankle deep. I didn't pick up much there, either. This seems to be a non-shelling year for me, but I don't mind a bit. I am soaking in the beauty instead of stacking up the shells.

Sunday is Farmers Market day on Sanibel, and they have one of the nicest markets I've ever seen. There are food carts with a variety of yummy smelling foods, a large array of vegetables at a fraction of the local grocery prices, baked goods, handmade soaps shaped like seashells, flowers and herbs and plants (oh my). I'm having local strawberries with my coffee as I type this. It's still early morning, and I've already done enough to declare it a very nice day.

Day 4, Rainy Day

2011-12-10T16:01:00.000-05:00

It is raining, hard, this afternoon. But right outside the place I am staying, on the branch of a palm tree, sits an osprey complaining about the rain. He has been hanging around for a couple of days, gnawing on the same large fish, with zillions of grackles suggesting that he let this one go. He must not have a nest and a mate of his own, otherwise I imagine that he would have carried the fish home by now. I'm glad to have him here. I am not crazy about the sound of grackles, but I love the osprey's cry.

Lunch

2011-12-10T14:00:00.001-05:00

I finally remembered to take a photo of my plate at lunch! Not losing weight on this trip, that's for sure!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 4, Beautiful Morning

2011-12-10T10:11:00.001-05:00

Another early day on the beach, with nothing but memories to show for it. I am just being fussy this year, because truly, there are lots and lots of shells. Tulips and whelks and turkey wings and scallops and conchs, just not a lot of the alphabets that I am hoping to find! But I have been taking beautiful long walks.

The temperature this morning was mild, perfect, with just a gentle breeze. I visited Gulfside City Park and Blind Pass today. I passed a woman who was meditating on a picnic table as I walked down to the beach, my squeaky shoes no doubt disturbing her peace. I saw an osprey gathering nesting material from the beach. I talked to a man who caught a large drum fish from the beach. I saw several other ospreys standing sentinel on their nests, waiting for their mates to get home from work, hopefully bringing dinner. I watched a dolphin feeding just off shore. This is such a beautiful place.

Day 3 Review, In A Nutshell

2011-12-09T22:20:00.000-05:00

To recap, it began with seashells,

and ended with wine.

It's all good.

Day 3, Shelling Strategy & Mollusk Madness

2011-12-09T15:57:00.001-05:00

I went to Blind Pass today and I was pretty sure as soon as I got there that it wasn't going to be my day for shells, but I hate to give up and, after all, I had made something of a commitment when I paid for parking. So I walked back and forth, picking up things I didn't need, like several paper figs and a few pink and orange scallops. I was finally rewarded with a small alphabet cone, so that was good. It was a perfect morning to be on the beach, absolutely beautiful, warm with a nice breeze. A perfect Sanibel day.

P.S When I got to Blind Pass it was still dark, and the beach was alive with crawling shells. Everywhere I looked, I saw movement.

Love that! But imagine my surprise when I learned that Little Miss (Pam) I Love Shelling went to Lighthouse Beach before dawn -- where I've been the last two days -- and she found my alphabet cone! It MUST have been my cone, because I was out looking for it by the Lighthouse on Wednesday and Thursday! Aaargh! Maybe I'll find the Mother-lode tomorrow. Or maybe I'm saving my shelling Karma up for sharks teeth. Either way, I can't wait.

Day Two, Part Two

2011-12-08T19:24:00.000-05:00

The day got warmer and better. I had lunch with Nancy at Cips, and bolted down my prime rib sandwich without taking a photo. Again. Then I drove through Ding Darling, where I saw roseate spoonbills, wood storks, white pelicans, and - finally, after years without - a full-sized alligator! Not a huge one like in the old days, but certainly five feet or more.

Then, as if that weren't good enough, after appetizers at Doc Ford's (the jerk chicken tostados) and a rummy rum drink (yum), I saw tiny, bumblebee-sized hummingbirds outside, feeding on flowers in the light of my car headlights. The smallest hummers I have ever seen, and the only ones I've seen after dark. I tried (and tried) to get a photo, but they were way too fast for my way-too-slow camera! What a cool thing to see, and a nice way to end the day.

Day 2 - Suffering, Sanibel Style

2011-12-08T09:41:00.001-05:00

I overslept again today, so I didn't go to the beach I intended to visit, I went (again) to the beach right outside my door. And I know my northern readers won't really appreciate what I am about to say, but it was COLD this morning.

So cold that my nose ran and my ears hurt from the wind. So cold that I could barely feel my fingers when I got back from my just-under-two-hour walk this morning. So cold that I barely looked for shells, just walked and walked along the very low tide.

So cold that I didn't realize until I got back that my beach shoes had filled with water and sand, and rubbed the inside of my foot raw, so that it looked like a piece of meat by the time I got back in. I will spare you the photo, but it is not nice, and I am worried that it will cramp my style a little.

Yesterday my trash bag was full when I came in, but I only had a few little bubble shells to show for it.

Today, my trash bag was overflowing -- I even found an old cell phone

-- but I also picked up several shells to take home. Nothing fancy, but I decided that I could bring shells for some of my coworkers, so I picked up half a dozen small lightening whelks. They are my favorite gift shell because they are fairly easy to find, but they look like Real Shells, prettier than the fighting conchs, but easier for me to give up than cones and such. I threw away a nice lace murex that was dead, but still full of former occupant stuff.

And I picked up a couple battered cones, and a little horse conch, because even worn cones and horsies are nice for me. I am not a Real Sheller because, instead of walking where the shells are, my feet always carry me to the edge of the water, no matter how swept clean it is. I am distracted by things other than shells, like the osprey I saw today gathering grasses for his nest. And I am a little like a dog when I hit the beach, because I seem to have to have something in my hands, so I picked up and later discarded figs and tulips as I walked. I did keep a couple of venus sunrays that the shore birds opened just for me. I'm polite like that.

Ate Too Much

2011-12-07T20:17:00.002-05:00

Just home after dinner with friends at Traders Ate WAY too much! Ate too quickly, too. Forgot to take photos of the ribs. Or the wine. Or the creme brûlée. Urp. (pardon me)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

First Day Without Snow

2011-12-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

I was tired this morning, so I didn't go out to walk until 6:30 am. Not much in the way of shells, but there was still lots to see. The water was calm and beautiful. I saw many starfishes, the usual horseshoe crabs, and a variety of shore birds. I saw lots of ospreys, way more than usual, and, best of all, FOUR ospreys flew over my head, carrying fish, something that always makes me happy. I picked up a couple of bubble shells, just so that the shell gods wouldn't think I was ungrateful, and there were plenty of shells, but none that really tempted me. Time for coffee. I am warm and lazy. So far so good.

Not The Luminary Night We Planned

2011-12-04T22:54:00.000-05:00

Tonight we put on a Holiday memorial service at work, which was supposed to include one lit luminary for each of the 354 people we cared for this year. I missed lunch and dinner as I worked for hours with our volunteers, folding bags, filling them with sand, placing them around the building where we held our service. Hours of seriously back-breaking work. The weather guys promised that, although it rained this morning, the rain would be over before noon, and the winds would die down. We set out our 354 bags and went inside to get the lighters.

And then it began to rain. And the wind began to blow. When the rain finally stopped, the bags were soggy and sand was seeping out of their bottoms. We lit and re-lit candles, but only a few remained lighted even for long enough for a photo. And I noticed, when we were trying to light the candles, that dozens and dozens of geese flew over our heads, far better symbols of those 354 souls than a candle could ever be.

But the families gathered, and hugs were freely given and received. So honestly, the weather didn't matter at bit. The lights of those 354 lives shone brightly on the faces of the people who loved them. It was so good to see their families again, to celebrate the lives and memories that consume their thoughts this year.

The service is over. The clean-up is done. I am exhausted and my back will hurt badly tomorrow. But, all in all, considering that everything possible went wrong, it was a very good day.

Crafting Again!

2011-12-04T08:53:00.002-05:00

I have been inspired this year by my artistic bloggy friends to actually do a little (very little) crafting this year.     One of my muses is Janne at Spindelmaker.   Her work is lovely and way beyond my imagining.   I've been following her blog for well over a year and am constantly amazed at the things she does, and seems to do so easily.     She is providing an advent giveaway this year, and all it takes is a comment to be entered.   Visit her, and tell her that I sent you.   She is a gracious host and will be delighted to meet you.

Another crafty friend, as I've mentioned before, is Emily from The Nest.     You will definitely want to check out her Advent Linky Party for ideas of things that even children (and I) can do to create a little fun for the Holiday.    Although Janne and Emily are different sorts of artists, they both awaken something in me that makes me want to create things, even little things, to put my own mark on the space around me.

In this new burst of craftiness, last night I made my first no-sew fleece blankets.    I might be the only person left in this country who has not already made them, but better late than never.

They really are as simple as everyone says.   Take two same-size pieces of fleece fabric (I used 2 yards of each), one print and one solid, and lay them on top of one another, wrong-sides together.    Trim the salvage all around and square the edges so that you have a roughly even rectangle.    Perfection does not seem to be necessary.    Certainly, mine was not perfect.

Cut a four-inch square from each corner, and then cut fringe, one inch wide and four inches deep, all around.

Now all you do it tie a (double) knot in every other fringe set. Then flip the blanket and tie the remaining fringe into knots.

The wonderful things about fleece is that it does not fray the way most fabrics do, so there is no need for hemming or binding off. A volunteer made several of these for our hospice residents, so I know from experience that they are warm and cozy and machine washable.

Good grief, I am turning into a crafty machine! My first (3) tries ended up a little wonky -- I am obviously a slow learned, but now even I can see that it would help if my strips were more uniform. Mine ranged from 4 to about 5 1/2 inches deep, making the finished blanket less square than it should have been. Live and learn!

For The Birds

2011-12-03T12:13:00.000-05:00

My grandchildren spent the night last night, and we played an assortment of pretend games. I was required to be a school child for my granddaughter, while concurrently acting as a criminal in a spy game with my grandson. The plus of the school game was that my granddaughter made me a lovely school lunch -- pizza with a side of lemon (not sure why, but my house certainly smells of lemon, so perhaps she thought I'd enjoy it) -- which tasted just about as good as I remember school lunches tasting, but with a much nicer presentation. Elegant china, too.

The only benefit of being a criminal was that my grandson locked me in a dungeon, where I coincidentally had a pile of wrapping that I could work on until my (too early) release.

Somewhere in the midst of paper scraps and flashlights, we also made advent gifts for the local birds. I got this 'recipe' from Katherine's Corner and thought it would be a fun way to bring a little nature into our Holiday.

In a saucepan over medium high heat combine 2 packets of unflavored gelatin and 2 cups of water and stir, bring to a boil and remove from heat -- be careful, my first batch scorched badly! Add 2 cups of bird seed, stir with a spoon to combine. Pour bird seed mixture into prepared mold (a plastic container that has been sprayed with no-stick cooking spray - old margarine containers, for instance) and pat down gently. Insert a straw all the way through and snip off the excess leaving about an inch of the straw showing. Place in the refrigerator for about 3 hours. When firm remove from molds by gently pressing on the back of the mold ( it should pop out easily). Remove the straw with a gently twist and tug. Thread your ribbon through the hole and hang on a nearby tree.

It was simple to do, but because of the hot gelatin, I didn't feel comfortable letting the little ones do anything more than insert the straw and pull through the ribbon hangers. I didn't want them touching the hot, and they weren't interested in touching the gelled final product.

The bird molds were easy to make and I think they are pretty cute. Next year I might be less nervous about my little helpers and offer them a larger role in production. Now we just have to wait until the birds give the final verdict!

Limoncello - my kind of advent craft!

2011-12-02T20:44:00.015-05:00

My bloggy friend, Emily, at The Nest, has started a linky party of advent crafts. She makes lovely, homey things, including an adorable Sweet Pea doll that my granddaughter loves, and she is the one who taught me to make pipe cleaner people and other adorable oddments.

I wanted to join in with her party, but my linky mojo isn't working, so you'll need to go straight to her to see other crafty suggestions to make this a special advent season. You'll find things like Karen's advent wreath - my grandchildren and I made a variation of it last night!

My Holiday "craft" this year is homemade Limoncello, a lemon-flavored liquor that I had for the first time in Italy, where it was served without my ordering it after a heavy dinner, and before dessert.   I thought it was too strong (child that I was in those days), but it did serve to settle my stomach.   My little sister mentioned last year that she had tried it here and loved it, so I made a batch this fall.   She drank it, so I made another batch.

Last week, I started getting text messages from her. "I am so addicted to this limoncello," she wrote one day.   A day or so later, she texted, "OK, just did a side by side limoncello comparison. Yours rocks."   And, finally, "This is not a hint.   But your limoncello helps me sleep.   And you know how much trouble I've had lately sleeping.   Seriously."

So I picked up another couple dozen lemons, and a couple more jugs of vodka, and got to work.

The hardest part is grating the lemons.   I use a microplane grater, because you want all the yellow and none of the white.   You soak the grated lemon in vodka for 4 days and then add a cooked simple syrup.   Let it sit, strain it a couple of times.   Chill and drink.     Simple.    Because I started this batch so late, and because my schedule will prevent me from straining it as quickly as the recipe directs, this time my lemon peel will steep for over a week.   From what I've read on the internet, this should not be a problem because traditional recipes call for steeping the peel for as long as several months.

My recipe comes from Mario Batali.   He said it was worth making and, according to my sister, he was right.

4 Cup vodka
zest of 10 very clean lemons
2 1/2 Cup sugar
3 1/2 Cup water
Place vodka and zest in a sealable jar, like a mason jar and allow to sit in a cool place for 4 days.

On the fifth day place 2 1/2 cups sugar and 3 1/2 cups water in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Allow to cook 5 minutes, remove from heat and allow to cool.

Add sugar solution to the vodka solution and allow to stand overnight.

Strain through a layer of cheesecloth in a conical sieve, pressing the solids firmly. Strain again through a second layer in the same manner.

Chill and allow to stand at least 1 week. Serve very cold.    I keep a bottle in the freezer.    The stuff I give away goes into a pretty bottle with a pretty label, at least in theory.

Time To Make A New List

2011-11-30T20:09:00.000-05:00

Last year I made a list of 62 things to do before my 62nd birthday.   Today my time was up for completing that list. As you can see from the "progress" list on my sidebar, I got a lot of them done.   More (frankly) than I expected.     I had bloggy giveaways, I shelled with my grandkids, I fished with my brother.   I made soup, I played with crafts, I did silly things with my grandchildren, I tried to show my kids that I love them by doing little loving things.   It was a good thing to do, and it lead to many good things.

I'm not sure whether I'll make a new list -- 63 things seems like a LOT to think up!   But I think I will take some time over the next week or so to come up with a few goals for my next year.   And I think that snorkeling with turtles will be on that list!

It was a good birthday.    I think it will be a wonderful year.    That's my plan, anyway.

We Got Snow!

2011-11-29T21:21:00.001-05:00

I worked about 12 hours today and when I walked outside, my car was COVERED with several inches of heavy snow. A day ago, after a lot of rain, my grass was bright green and covered with bunnies. Tonight, the lawn and trees are white and every branch stands out against the night sky. What an amazing world.

So, this was nice. Can winter be over now?

Murphy's Law?

2011-11-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

This morning gas at my local station was $2.98. I didn't really need gas so I passed it by, even though there were no other cars in line. This afternoon, same station, the gas was $3.35, cars were lined up, and I needed a fill up.

Yup.

Thankful

2011-11-24T06:30:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for so many things. I am not exactly thankful for the colder weather, but I am thankful for my warm bed on cold nights, and for my forced air furnace in the mornings.

I am thankful for hot soup simmering on my stove and for candles in my fireplace (My lovely fireplace is not functional. But nobody's perfect, and it IS lovely, so I'm thankful).

I am thankful for my family. I treasure my siblings, I adore my son and daughter in law (what a silly phrase), words can't describe how I feel about my grandchildren, and I love my daughter.

I am thankful to have enough money to pay my bills. My work brings me into contact with a lot of death, which makes me more thankful than ever for life. I am thankful for the hospice families who share their journeys with me, for the lessons I am learning, and for the resulting peace they often allow me to witness.

I am thankful for the twinkly lights on the trees I will put up this weekend. Something about twinkly lights just makes me smile.

I am thankful for a plan to walk the beaches of Sanibel at least one more time. I will be thankful to bring home a few more shells.

I may not have everything I want, but I surely have everything I need. I hope you do, too.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Blessing of Hands

2011-11-09T07:59:00.000-05:00

I got a phone call a week or so ago, in the middle of a Sunday afternoon, from someone who works in the Pastoral Care Department at a hospital. It had just occurred to her that no one had told me that the next day I would be expected to begin a week-long Blessing of the Hands at the campuses where I work.

After receiving her call, I found myself thinking about all the different jobs, all the different hands that I encounter each day. Hands that clean, hands that feed, hands that soothe the dying, hands that prepare potions to reduce pain, hand that offer solace to the living. Hands that reach out to me for comfort, hands that reach into thin air as if they see something (or someone) there. Hands that draw me in. Crippled hands, wrinkled hands that seek my touch. And young hands, too, healthy hands. Plump little hands that are open to life, full of fun and sweetness, smudged from art projects and play.

In the course of my job, I said a blessing over many hands that week. But, as usual, the real blessing was to me.

November Already?!

2011-11-05T08:08:00.000-04:00

This year has flown by. Again. I am already neck-deep in Holiday planning at work -- as you know or can imagine, the holidays are a difficult time for families in hospice or anyone who has suffered a loss, especially a recent loss. And of course, no matter how busy or hopeful we are, people keep dying, and it can seem especially cruel for families this time of year.

As a sort of balance, I am also looking at toys and decorations for my own family, a happier kind of planning. I am avoiding as much as possible thinking about my upcoming birthday, which is rushing toward me WAY too quickly. In some ways, working at hospice has made me grateful for every year but has also put a sharper edge on getting older. I can no longer avoid thinking about death, even for a day.

I am mentally packing for my mid-holiday trip to Sanibel Island, where I hope to see a couple of friends and enlarge my seashell stash! Meanwhile, my house is more of a mess than I can every remember it being. There are intended projects and reminder notes and stacks of things I meant to read EVERYWHERE. Patterns and fabrics and fly-tying materials and recipes and unwrapped presents in every corner.

November is also when I peek for the first time into my $5 savings plan. All year, I tuck away every $5-bill I receive, whether in change or from the bank, and consider it my Christmas savings account. I counted it today and was amazed to find that I saved $450 in $5-bills this year! It is a great savings plan for me, almost painless (except for the times when I get three fives as change for a twenty!)

We are nearing the end of the year. There are a lot of dark clouds and the nights are getting colder. The furnace is on, and there is plenty of time for candlelight at night, no matter how early I go to bed. The days are often crisp, I love wearing cozy fleece, and it's finally soup weather. It's all good.

Just don't talk to me about snow, because that is a different story altogether.

Not The Life I Planned

2011-10-26T21:18:00.001-04:00

What an odd day. I blessed the hands of some of our staff in celebration of Pastoral Ministry Week. I did an in-service with some of our volunteers, creating materials for grief work. I gave a prayer service for some of our families who had suffered recent losses. And then I went to the range and shot my smith & wesson revolver, at a competition of three women, and I didn't finish last. Just a few months ago, I couldn't have imagined any one of these activities being part of my life. If I had thought a year ago that I would take another job, I would have imagined that it would have something to do with Law. If I had guessed at a hobby, I would have supposed it would be some kind of domestic skill. And yet, step by step, choice by choice, I've ended up here, in this very different spot. As someone said on television today, 'when you eliminate the impossible, all you have is the improbable.' That about sums it up, and I guess that's what I like about it. Life is strange. But good.

Magical

2011-10-20T14:50:00.001-04:00

Today is dreary, wet and cold. But I had a magical morning anyway. A drive in the country, past deer and wild turkeys, and a long talk with an old vet about World War II, love and God. It was one of those days when work wasn't work at all.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Food and Fun

2011-10-15T21:48:00.001-04:00

This weekend I made fresh tomato soup from my own garden. I made fresh pasta (without a machine) for the first time. I started a batch (my first) of Limoncello. I haven't tasted the Limoncello yet, the lemons are still infusing the vodka, but the rest was all good (in fact, my grandson, who is generally complementary, pronounced the pasta, The Best Pasta In The World).

And - best news of all -- my grandkids and I completed, at long last, the Epic Battle -- after months and months (and months) of creating castles and traps and 'guys,' we battled to the end. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't quick. It wasn't easy. And - surprise of surprises -- my guys lost. I had hoped (silly me) that this was the end of it. But they have informed me that our next battle will be a Fairy War. Our soldiers are to be re-fitted with wings. It will be amazing. I just hope I'll be ready for it.

Oh Yes I Did!

2011-10-14T15:45:00.001-04:00

I am usually careful with my budget, at least when it comes to things for me. I don't need much, I am generally content with what I have.

But this week must have been the exception that proves the rule! First, I bought myself a BEAUTIFUL ring from Simple Daisy. I have wanted this ring ever since she posted it, and by golly, I finally bought it! It came so beautifully packaged that I felt pampered, even though it was a present from me to myself, it felt really special! And I love the ring as much as I thought I would. It is entirely handcrafted, unlike anything you will find on the mass market. The photo doesn't do it justice, my old hands scream "wrinkled" in the picture, so the ring doesn't get the focus it deserves. You really need to see it in person to appreciate it - the band is hand carved, with wonderful designs all around it. I have a lot of unworn jewelry, but I expect this to become an every-day piece. And the name of the ring, Indigo Sea, is perfect for someone like me, who does so much ocean-dreaming. I'm already eyeing my next purchase from her shop, as soon as I can justify another dose of self indulgence. :)

And zowee -- Today, I bought the new iPhone 4-S. Oh yes I did! Okay, I know it's way too much phone for me, but I plan to grow into it! It TALKS to me, how cool is that?!

I can't wait to see what I buy myself next! (I am not nearly so eager to see my next Visa bill, but it was worth it!)

Being Frank

2011-10-13T19:24:00.000-04:00

I drove nearly 200 miles for work yesterday, to visit one funeral home and one gravely ill patient. It was a pretty day and a pretty drive, with golden fields, beautiful autumn leaves, and dozens of new windmills to look at for part of the way. (Next time maybe I'll stop the car to take the photos!)

To my amusement, I passed through several places that all began with the word "Frank." (I am easily amused.) There was Frankenmuth, of course, along with Frankentrost, Frankenhilf and Frankenlust. I looked them all up when I got home, and apparently the names were declarations of the courage, comfort, assistance and joy, of the Franconian Germans who settled there.

What can I say? It passed the time.

Colors

2011-10-07T19:19:00.000-04:00

I see the prettiest colors when I am driving and can't take a photo. But even in my little city neighborhood, the fall colors make me smile. It is a little like my work at hospice, often at the end of our season, we become our most authentic.

The Sporting Life

2011-10-05T19:52:00.000-04:00

I am a shy person.   I act all outgoing and welcoming at work because (1) it's my job and, more importantly, (2) the people I interact with have way bigger problems than my shyness.    I give them everything I've got because they are soul deep in emotion, so it is easy to forget myself in their need.    But I have long wanted to develop a circle of friends and, although I make some effort, it is hard for me to be outgoing outside of work.   I've lived in my 'new' home for a month shy of two years, and still know exactly No One outside of work and family.

One of the ways I have tried to connect with a new group of people is through shooting and fishing. It was sort of my oldest brother's idea, since, he pointed out, my 'new' home is smack in the middle of shooting and fishing territory.   And since it turned out that I actually enjoy shooting and fishing, it seemed brilliant.

Of course, I probably should have considered that my oldest brother, who shoots and fishes, is pretty much a recluse and a hermit.

Anyway, when I took some classes, they were taught by members of the board of directors of a local fishing club, and those board members suggested to the class that we come to their meetings because, they said, they always welcome new people and have been having trouble attracting women to the board.      I tried to go in August but, although their website listed a meeting, it turned out that they never meet in August. I couldn't go in September because I had another commitment.   I almost missed going in October, because the website lists the meeting date as tomorrow, but I figured out that it was actually today, and off I marched.

Naturally the board members who invited me were not there.   They were out fishing.

I introduced myself and the club president told me I was welcome.   The 8 board members present solemnly shook my hand.   One of them asked if I was a member. I told him I had been a member for two years.   "I have the card," I joked, "but I don't know the secret handshake."

The entire circle of men looked at me without smiling.   Finally, the president said, "Actually, we don't have a handshake."

I was there as an observer but, just in case I'd forgotten, the members language reminded me.   "We need volunteers for a river clean up this weekend and not very many people have signed up, although we sent mailings to all the board members," one person remarked.    They bemoaned the fact that it was so hard to get people to help, but nothing about the event had been listed on the website and no one even looked at me.    I thought about jumping up and down and shouting, "pick me, pick me!", but restrained myself.   They concluded that they would invite their wives and daughters to go along and help.    Then they adjourned and thanked me for coming.

All in all, I do not think I made any new friends.

Such a Job

2011-09-27T21:25:00.000-04:00

My job is so strange, I don't know how to process most of what I do. The feedback from families is that I am a peaceful presence, that I provide calm at a time when they are frantic, that I renew their faith at the time of loss. They are embarrassing in their praise of me. (Dr. Cranky rightly points out that they feel that way because they are desperate, and I am the only one there, which pretty much sums it up.) Although my work with them comes very naturally and easily, I often feel like a hypocrite. I think they would not recognize the Real Me. At work, I am a projection of their own faith, their own core values. I want a way to show them that when they let me into this sacred space and convince themselves that help has come in, they are actually seeing a reflection of their own strength, already there. They say they are comforted by my prayers, but don't recognize that I am only praying out loud the things they've already expressed. After their loved one dies, when they walk out of here alone, I want them to know that they are enough, that they take everything they need with them.

What I Did For My End Of Summer Vacation

2011-09-23T21:08:00.000-04:00

I am just back a wonderful week in the Pacific Northwest, where my 3 siblings and I gathered for my only niece's wedding. My son came, too, which was a wonderful treat for me, even though he flew in later than we did and returned earlier. All in all, I had the best time ever.

My brother, father of the bride, rented a 45-foot boat to take my sister, other brother, and me from Anacortes, Washington, to Doe Bay Resort on Orcas Island. We spent the first night on the boat. My oldest brother and I tried casting a few flies in the Anacortes marina, while a seal kept a close eye on us from an adjoining dock.

The next morning we took the boat to Orcas Island, where we met up with my niece, her intended, his family and their friends. My brothers, sister and son and I stayed together in a pretty cottage on a harbor.

The bride's father (my brother) held a salmon bake for the 80-some guests, and they all seemed to enjoy it. The groom's parents hosted a hoe down, with a square dance caller, which I hear was pretty fantastic.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. Perfect.

The party afterward was fun, with northwestern food that was beyond my level of appreciation. People raved about it, but my sister and I went hungry, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

The next day, my son flew back to Michigan to go back to work,

and my siblings and I got back on the boat. We had planned to tour the Pacific waters around the San Juan Islands, but the newly married couple asked to join us for an afternoon picnic on the boat, and we were happy to oblige. It was great fun to get to know my niece's new husband and spend time with her, a relaxed and happy couple. We tried a little fishing, but only the bride was successful and not very successful at that -- she caught an enormous starfish.

After we dropped the bride and groom back off at their honeymoon island,

we walked to a local restaurant that turned out to be a hidden gem, with its own organic garden and free range chickens. Wild blackberry cobbler with homemade ice cream for dessert! We were on Deer Island and, sure enough, we saw deer.

My sister also saw a shooting star as we walked back to the boat in the dark. Really a perfect day.

More cruising, more eating, more time with our bros, and then back to Seattle for a night at my brother's house, up early the next day to get to the airport. Except for the exhaustion, it was all good!

What a Gas

2011-09-22T21:31:00.000-04:00

I spent 4 days and nights on a boat with my siblings last week. Loved every minute of it. Offered to pay for gas. Thank goodness my brothers refused!

Yee haw

2011-09-17T00:09:00.002-04:00

I went to a hoe down tonight. Fun. But I drank my 3 glasses of wine way to fast, on much to empty a stomach. And have to get up at 6 am for a scenic boat ride. Time for this cow poke to go to bed. Let others in the party (like my brother, the father of the bride, and his girlfriend, pictured here) party on!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Beautiful

2011-09-14T15:24:00.000-04:00

The leaves are turning. The fields are golden. Michigan is beautiful this time of year.

The Chapel

2011-09-06T18:56:00.000-04:00

I am still working on the old chapel at work. When I took the job, it was a bare, cold, specifically Catholic space. There was holy water, a St. Joseph Bible, an altar, bright lights, and not much else.

On my limited budget and dearth of creativity, I have added curtains that I made with a simple pocket seam on lengths of shear fabric. I 'borrowed' plants and fountains from other areas of the building, and dragged in some soft seating. I put out different translations of the Bible, and a small library of inspirational readings. When I get a few minutes, I will disassemble the altar and turn it into plant stands. A new sign has been ordered and it will be called a reflection room once it's done. It's not finished yet, but it's in progress!

Happy Labor Day

2011-09-05T12:40:00.000-04:00

In the true modern spirit of Labor Day, I am not doing much of anything today. My big task for today was to try on a variety of my-closet outfits, trying to find something to wear to the wedding without shopping. I don't like the shop and, more importantly, I can't afford to shop -- sheesh, the trip to the west coast will temporarily dry up my budget -- so it's going to be The Closet or Bust. I will be wearing black, that's almost certain, because my closet is heavily tipped in that direction. It boiled down to the choice of black pants or a black accordion-pleat skirt that my sister talked me into, and a top. None of my tops are fancy, cotton tanks, a couple of poly and velvet shirts. At this point I am thinking black slacks, back flats, black accordion-pleat top, and a shawl or jacket or something to give it a little pop.

Not sure about the something. A jacket seems too structured, and I am not sure I have the flair that's needed to pull off a shawl. I do have a pretty, old (1950s?) burgundy, embroidered shawl, but I wonder if black and burgundy is too dark for the celebratory mood.

I would consider buying a more colorful sweater or wrap if I see something that appeals to me, since I could use it again. I don't want to seem un-festive, and the slacks and top are pretty much what I would wear for everyday. But the wedding is outside, in the northwest, and the weather uncertain, so I think that's probably what I'll settle for. I feel like this dress-me-project has taken WAY too much energy already!

What I should be doing is working on next weekend's day-retreat, which I have set up for some of our hospice volunteers. I am doing an intuitive art project, using collage, with the ladies, which I hope will open some discussion on our hidden talents, and I haven't done anything yet except think about it. I promised to make soup and dessert for that, too, and I need to decide what I'm making and get a grocery list together! Time to leave vanity behind me and put a little labor into my Labor Day!

'Hope you are all having a nice holiday!

Breathe

2011-09-01T07:41:00.001-04:00

Nothing has changed, but I feel so busy lately, like there is barely time to catch my breath. It feels a little too much like dread. My old friend Dr. Cranky suggested that being around so much death and dying in my hospice job is taking a toll on me, but I suspect I am just getting old and out of shape.

Still working on the big what-to-wear for my niece's wedding.   I loved the reader-idea of silk pajamas thanks, spindlemaker!), but unfortunately my age/body type/general lack of fitness and grace would make that a decidedly UN-glamorous look.    I finally came up with a modest idea of my own and shared it with my pesky baby sister.   The little stinker called me later that day to say that SHE had gone to the mall and tried on MY idea, and that she loved it, bought the whole outfit and couldn't be happier. Just as well.    She (1) cares more about clothes, and (2) will look better in it anyway since she is taller and prettier and blonde. But it's back to the drawing board for me.    Either inspiration will strike me again or I will wear something from my pitiful closet.    The one thing I've learned about weddings (and funerals) is that nobody is going to remember what I wore, so I'll keep looking, but I'm not all that stressed about it. Yet.

Besides the upcoming wedding trip to the west coast, I am mentally trying to work out trips to New Orleans and Sanibel.   It would be a lot easier to plan if I didn't have to work.    Even a part-time job is something to be reckoned with. Of course, it would be a lot harder to pay for without the job. Note to self: next time, be independently rich.

We are moving into the prettiest time of the year here.   A few trees down the road are already starting to show some fall color.   My garden has erupted in riot.   The herbs can't be contained, there are tomatoes daily, and my zucchini plant has finally produced enough for a few batches of zucchini bread and grilled zucchini.   I haven't seen any baby pumpkins yet, but the vines are covered with blossoms.   Life is good.

Lazy Day

2011-08-21T14:46:00.000-04:00

Our weather here has alternated between beautiful and wet-basement-stormy. Today it can't seem to decide, but I've put in my vote for beautiful because the basement is still wet from the last storm. My son brought over a dehumidifier, which I thought I didn't need, and thank goodness he did because I am emptying it every few hours. Instead of sitting here at the computer, I surely should be going through things that could be thrown away, clearing out the basement room that got wet. You will notice that I ignore my own advice and keep on typing.

The Universe has been sending me feather messages this week. Every couple of days a feather shows up on a car window, or my shoulder, or the front door. Maybe my Guardian Angel has been bustling around. I'm not sure what the feathers are trying to say, but I enjoy noticing them, like soft little gifts.

Work is going along, sometimes well enough, sometimes I just can't tell.    The lucky thing is that I don't really need to have answers or know what to say, I just need to be present.   I feel fortunate to 'walk' with people when they are so vulnerable and open, there truly is a sacredness about it, at least some of the time.   It certainly has made me think a lot more about my own death, about how I want to live until then, and about how much I love my family.

Two more zucchini in my garden nearly ready to pick!   I hope I will be baking zucchini bread very soon!   My tomatoes are still ripening in dribs and drabs and I am canning some of the extras in little jelly jars, just enough to create a meal for one, since that is mostly what I am. I know it's crazy, but sometimes I just can't use up a whole quart, or even a whole pint.    And I don't want a single tomato to go to waste.    I love having my own produce in the winter!

The countdown to my niece's west-coast wedding has begun -- less than a month to go and I still don't know what I should wear.    The wedding will be outside, on a northwest island, and the dress-code suggestions is "casual chic."    I wonder if I can wear my jammies, or are they not quite chic enough?

Perfect

2011-08-10T18:36:00.000-04:00

What a beautiful day, temperatures in the low 70s, with a soft breeze, blue skies and sunshine.   Absolutely beautiful.   On a day as pretty as this, I always wish that I were in love.   Pitiful, I know, and wondering how old I will be before I stop my foolish thoughts, but there it is.

And after work, for dinner, to top off the pure joy of good weather, I made the Pioneer Woman's twice baked potatoes, as indulgent and delicious meal as anyone could want.     And did I have an ice cream drumstick for dessert?   Or did I have two? Don't ask, seriously.

I did not check my retirement fund.   I did not weigh myself.    This was a good day.

Chalk One Up

2011-08-09T22:11:00.000-04:00

When I painted my kitchen recently, I decided to try using chalkboard paint on one end of my cupboards.   I thought the grandkids might get a kick out of it.

It was a big mess.   The first place I shopped sold me a can of spray paint and told me it would require 3 coats.   I masked off the entire area and had newspapers set around the floor and cupboards for about 6 feet in both directions.     But by the time the first coat had been sprayed, there was paint everywhere -- I left paint footprints everywhere I went and had to mop the floors in every room, not just the kitchen, several times before I got most of it cleaned up.   For days I was still staining my slippers with leftover spray droplets.    It was clearly the stupidest idea I had ever had.

But in for a penny, in for a pound, so I went out the next day and bought a can of regular old paint-style chalkboard paint. I painted several coats and left it to cure for a few days.

And when it was finally done, even though I am still finding remnants of spray paint, I decided it was a very good idea after all.    Art is worth a little extra effort.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

2011-08-09T15:55:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a special day.    It was most special to me because it is the birthday of my much loved daughter (in law).   She is smart, the nicest, prettiest person, the best mother ever, and I am grateful every day to have her in my life.

But it was ALSO the last day to for my Philosophy giveaway. And now, . . . drum roll, please. The winner is -- Me!

No, not me, but Me!, also known (I suspect) as Debbi, from Debbi Thinks Deep.   I've sent her an email and hope to get her package in the mail soon!

Congratulations, Debbi.   And thanks, everyone, for playing!

Winding Down

2011-08-05T08:45:00.001-04:00

Sad to say, summer is coming to an end. No one says it out loud, but vacation days are winding down. Although there are a (very) few weeks before school starts, my little granddaughter is mentally preparing for kindergarten, and her class of critters is all lined up and ready to learn their geography.

My grandson is putting the finishing touches on his impressive collection of sticks, knowing that there will be little time for stick collecting later.

And I am already starting to dread the cold. There is a feeling in the early morning air that reminds me that winter is coming. I think that's about as complex as I get -- hating the heat and humidity while, at the very same time, dreading the cold and snow.

But I guess my brain is also starting to focus a little better, too. I found my pretty little ring -- the scary thing is, I found it EXACTLY WHERE IT SHOULD BE. I can't tell you how many times I looked in that very same place and couldn't find it. But I woke up in the middle of the night and looked again, and there it was. Freaky. It is fitted to my left hand so I can't wear it, but I am tempted (again) to have it resized. Since I'm not going to have another diamond ring, there is a part of me that wants to wear it despite its lack of meaning.

My 'test recipe' this week is for a fish-jalepeno dish. I (along with thousands of others) am on a test panel for America's Test Kitchen, and can't share the recipes until and unless they are published in Cook's Illustrated. It has been fun so far. I (along with hundreds of others) tested bread recipes for Peter Reinhart's "Artisan Breads Everyday" a couple of years ago, and enjoyed that, too. It takes me out of my usual cooking safety zone, which is always a good thing. Fish + jalepeno doesn't rock my fantasy taste buds, but I'm willing to give it a try!

Nothing To Complain About

2011-08-02T21:16:00.000-04:00

Felt a tiny bit useful at work, so it was a good day. My top-secret-test-recipe-potato and goat cheese galette was beautiful, if I do say so myself, and tasty, too. I'd be happy to make it again. Another pretty evening, another pretty walk. Life is good.

Only a few more days until my Philosophy giveaway drawing! Anyone who comments is entered.

This 'n' That

2011-08-02T13:34:00.002-04:00

I am trying, lately, to not spend a lot of frivolous money on myself, because I am still paying off my last trip to New Orleans and I want to clear the decks, as it were, before I plan my next trip. But I recently bought myself a set of 'promise rings' from Tumbleweed Bead Company, and I love them! They are super thin, made of recycled silver, and the idea is that each ring represents a promise I am making to myself, a sort of visible reminder of things I am working on. I've always been a sucker for commitment, and since I am the only one who is interested in my own pledged troth, I figured I would ring myself. I got a set of three, but I gave one of them to my sister so that she could do something nice for herself, too.

Speaking of rings, I own a really beautiful (nearly) 1-carat diamond solitaire, given to me years ago in an ill-fated engagement. Don't get me started on THAT! Anyway, he insisted that I keep the ring, but I returned it.   A few years later, he gave it back to me again as a gift, in front of witnesses, saying he wanted me to keep it.   [He also said that if he had a nickle for every diamond ring he'd given a woman he would be a rich man. In case you wanted a hint as to why things didn't work out.]

Disappointments aside, I had never had (and had ALWAYS wanted) a diamond ring, and I really, really loved this ring. It was a shock to me how much of a traditionalist romantic I am at heart, I so badly wanted the happily-ever-after fantasy, even when it should have been clear that I was looking in the wrong place for it.    Anyway, when he insisted, I decided I WANTED THAT RING, even if I was glad to have opened my eyes about the relationship, so I finally accepted it and put it away for some future relationship.    Somebody else's future relationship, that is, because I couldn't see actually wearing it myself, no matter how much I really, really loved that ring.

And now I seem to have lost it.   The last time I looked at the ring was just before my last trip to New Orleans (the one I am still paying the bills for).   I went into my jewelry pouch last week for another piece of jewelry and it isn't there.    I suspect that I put it in one of those dreaded Safe Places before my trip, but I have no idea where that might be.   Obviously, I've looked everywhere I can think of, but so far I haven't found it. I need to start looking in places I CAN'T think of.    I will be awfully glad when it finally turns up, and I hope it will be soon, but who knows where it could be?! Maybe I should clean out the freezer! It is the prettiest ring I've ever had, and I would like to think that one of my grandkids would enjoy it somewhere down the line.   I hate losing things.   These "senior moments" are enough to make me crazy!   Although I suspect I was prone to flaky moments even when I was young.

Work continues to work itself out, as it were.   I am learning to do the things that were new, and discovering new things that need to be learned.    I am still working on creating a reflection space where the old, very formal, very denomination-specific chapel used to be.   People are using it more often, so I think I am on the right track.    This is what it looked like soon after I came in, but after some of the religious trappings had been removed.

And this is what it looks like now, a work in process. I am still planning to move in more 'soft' seating, to create wall hangings made of mementos from out patients, to build shelves for the plants, to move out the altar table and organ, and to fix the broken fountain.

Baby steps.

Summer Nights

2011-07-31T17:45:00.000-04:00

I have been a slacker about my evening walks lately. I can always come up with an excuse. One day it's Too Hot, the next day I'm Too Busy, and on the third day I might just forget. But every once in awhile I remember to get off my butt and walk around the neighborhood, and then I wonder why I don't do it more often.

Besides the fireflies, which delight me, the cicadas are deafening this time of year. I love them, love the idea that these small, ordinary looking little creatures can demand so much attention. Between the twinkle of the fireflies, and the cacophony of the cicadas, it is hard to hold any stressful thoughts, so the evening walks help me clear my mind.

Several of my neighbors have a large variety of plantings, and I enjoy seeing what is in bloom. There are large trees in my area that are still unknown to me, but I am intrigued by the seed pods that cover them this time of year.

The summer is passing so quickly, and I feel like I've missed most of it.    My job takes more than the 20 hours I am paid for, and the few projects I set for myself took more time than I anticipated. But the kitchen painting project is nearly completed, and I have finally tested several of the recipes sent to me by America's Test Kitchen.   I made Creme Fraiche for the first time, 2 varieties of pasta cooked in wine, and a yummy bean and artichoke dip. I will be making a potato and shallot galette this week. If the still-confidential recipes are ever released through Cooks' Illustrated, I will share them here!

My garden is not yet in full gear, but I have enjoyed some cherry tomatoes and, so far, 3 zucchinis.   I am still expecting a lot more tomatoes, hopefully enough to can. I planted several heirloom varieties. And I am still waiting for more zucchini and the jack-o-lanterns I planted for the kids.   My herbs, as always, are going crazy, so I need to get busy and make and freeze pesto every few days.   The batch I made today was delicious, I froze the bulk of it but cleaned the bowl by wiping it with scraps of bread!

Such a strange life I've formed for myself these days.   Work-days filled with death and grief work, time off full of food and beauty.   I am never far from thoughts of both.   Truly, life is good.

Shorn

2011-07-30T17:13:00.000-04:00

I have been going to the same person for haircuts since I moved here. I can depend on her doing a nice job with no surprises. Today she surprised me. She remarked that she was planning to do something 'a little different' and I said that was fine with me, as long as it was still basically a bob. She must have thought I wanted to look like Bob, because my hair is a lot shorter than I expected it to be!

That Special Glow

2011-07-29T21:47:00.000-04:00

I hate the really hot and muggy days, but the one thing I love about this hot weather is that we've had fireflies every night. I make an involuntary grin every time I see one light up, which has made for a LOT of smiles the last couple of weeks. I don't remember seeing fireflies when I was a kid -- probably wasn't allowed to stay up late enough -- and I never saw them at my 'old' house. In fact, the first time in my life that I noticed them was during a late night walk in a cemetery when I was in college, which was many (many) moons ago. But here, this summer at least, they seem to be everywhere, in my front yard, back yard, and across the street at the neighbors'. I love watching them blink, blink, blink, little happy bugs.

As my sister would be quick to point out, this is more definite proof that I am aging fast.

Heat Wave Giveaway!

2011-07-24T20:43:00.000-04:00

When it is hot, hot, hot, and I want relief, a cool drink and a shower come to mind! For my Hot Summer giveaway, I decided to combine the two ideas! My prize is the Philosophy set called "The Cocktail Party." It contains Seniorita Margarita shampoo/shower gel, and Daiquiri lip gloss.

You may have noticed, I have given away a lot of Philosophy because I love it. I use it as shower gel, and shampoo, and soap, and bubble bath, and never seem to get tired of it. By means of full disclosure, Philosophy has (foolishly) NOT paid me to try their products, for my opinion, and did not provide this prize, which I purchased with my own hard-earned money. :)

This prize will be randomly awarded to one of my wonderful readers who leaves a comment before the end of my day on Monday, August 8.

Too Dang Hot!

2011-07-21T18:46:00.001-04:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Dark Nights and Whimsey

2011-07-09T08:18:00.002-04:00

I've had a lot of trouble sleeping the past three nights, freezing/sweating/tossing/coughing, getting very little sleep and spiking a fever.   During the day I feel okay, although not terrific.   My sister thinks that my work is wearing on me, that the constant presence of death and sorrow is more draining than I realize.   I suspect a virus of some kind, and I hope it goes away soon.

But my sister has a point.   I remember when I took college psychology and started to see some level of dysfunction everywhere I looked and being sick this week has been a little like that.   I have heard stories from people about how they thought they had a cold and here, a couple weeks later, they've been told that they are dying, a million freakish variations of people who are healthy and busy and then suddenly, almost instantly, incurably ill.    In my job, I sit with them and hear their stories, trying to help them look death in the eye.    Most of them have religious beliefs about death, although some do not. But regardless of religion, the diagnosis, when it comes, is always unexpected and the death, no matter how well prepared for, is always an awful surprise.    So maybe those night sweats are my psyche's way of shaking off the pall.

But I'm pretty sure this darned cough is a virus!

On a more whimsical note, I saw the most elaborate car in a Kroger parking lot the other day.   My photo doesn't do it justice, the entire car was decorated like a frosted cake, with bows and rhinestones and pearls.   I would have loved to see who was driving it!

Testing

2011-07-08T10:04:00.001-04:00

I am on a recipe testing panel and finally received my first top secret recipe, for Spaghetti Al Vino Blanco. It was easy and (relatively) quick to make, full of wine and cheesy goodness. I am not allowed to share the recipe until after it is published, but I can tell you that it was good. I thought it would be for adult tastes only, but found that my 6-year-old grandson really liked it.

This was a busy week at work, and the testing of my skills is a lot harder than testing recipes. It can be impossible to reach through to people who have shut themselves in with grief and despair, and those times are so sad to watch, but it is amazing beyond words to meet with people who have come to terms with this part of life. One sweet man told me that it made him feel better just to see how much I hated seeing him in pain over his wife's diagnosis. So far, my 20-hour week is taking more energy than my 40-hour job used to. I am still working on getting my bearings, figuring out where to place boundaries, and finding a workable schedule that doesn't leave me feeling On Duty all the time.

Happy Independence Day!

2011-07-04T09:15:00.001-04:00

Keeping Cool

2011-07-02T18:55:00.000-04:00

Above my small counter-top, my kitchen contains old, wooden, very low cupboards, too low for me to position a microwave (or much of anything) on the counter. For those times when I need to defrost or reheat, I have been using a borrowed microwave, set on a kitchen chair, while considering my options. Recently, for no good reason, in one of those they-shouldn't-have moments, my son and daughter (in law) got me a brand new microwave, installed the necessary electrical connections, and, today, my son installed it over my stove. It looks great! So on this much-too-hot-to-cook day, I've been micro-steaming edamame and reheating my homemade soup, sittin' pretty and stayin' cool. I am a lucky mama.

Working Hard At Leisure

2011-07-01T17:31:00.000-04:00

My 20-hour job is funny; some weeks it is so slow that it takes me seven days to work that many hours, this week I was over my limit by Thursday morning. So I'm off until Sunday and, although I am exhausted and glad for the down time, on another level it's driving me nuts -- for one thing, there are families at the hospice that I am wondering about. And for another, being home means that I should be doing something useful, and I have worked hard at NOT letting that useful thing involve cleaning the basement! So I went to the target range today, and shot fairly well, and stopped at the farmer's market, and went to Toys R Us. If I can dredge up the energy to find a fishing hole, it will have been a productive weekend that doesn't require me to actually CLEAN something!

Keep It Covered

2011-06-28T18:30:00.002-04:00

Logically, I guess, it is no surprise that thoughts of life and death keep close company. I was reminded of this again today when a sincerely bereaved spouse hugged me goodbye and patted my butt.

Musical and Strawberry Jams

2011-06-25T08:08:00.000-04:00

This week was a mix of experiences. I spent time with people and families, dead and alive. I participated in a very spiritual, very eclectic funeral that ended with a New-Orleans-style Jazz Funeral Procession. Following a brass band, we marched and sang and whooped our way around the block with a laughing, crying crowd.

I built paper castles with traps for the Bad Guys with my grandchildren.

I painted a patch of terracotta on my kitchen wall to figure out what color to paint, and decided that I probably need to choose a lighter color in this windowless room. I harvested herbs and made strawberry jam that didn't set like it should have, my first jam-failure ever.

And today, I hope, I will go swimming. All in all, life is good.

And how are things with you?

(One Of) The Most Wonderful Times Of The Year!

2011-06-22T19:11:00.001-04:00

Strawberry season!

Holy Ground

2011-06-22T14:08:00.000-04:00

People have asked me this week whether or not it is hard to work in a place where death is an expectation rather than an occasional, terrible surprise. They are surprised to hear that it is not. The Hospice where I work is not primarily a place of sadness, it is sometimes a place of happy memories and celebration. It is often a place of profound peace. In most ways, my new job is like other jobs, a combination of tedium and amazement, although, come to think of it, I don't remember a lot of amazement in my former job. I only work 20 hours a week, but I often feel like I am working all the time. I still spend a lot of time awkwardly standing around wondering how to offer comfort, how much to intrude, how much to hold back. But every so often, it all clicks, and those moments are indescribable. In the Real World, people are pulled by a million distractions, they are tightly wrapped in their protective veils. In my work, sometimes those veils are dropped as useless, and the goodness and vulnerability of people is open to view.

Happy World Oceans Day!

2011-06-08T07:57:00.001-04:00

We depend on the world's oceans for more than we know. We know we like to be by the water, we know it is beautiful, but we seldom stop to think that our survival depends on the health of our waterways and that we are slowly destroying them. Celebrate World Oceans Day by learning something new -- one way would be to check out Shellbelle's amazing post on artificial coral reefs. Educate yourself about ongoing oil spills and think about how our dependence on oil and gas is affecting our oceans. Learn about the melting glaciers. Or read about the "galaxy of garbage" that floats in the Pacific Ocean, miles and miles of the stuff, and has started to appear in our food chain. Commit yourself to stop buying and using plastic bags and bottles. I don't know whether we are past the tipping point, but I know that we are too close for comfort. Please learn something today about how we are polluting and destroying the water and marine life, and do some little thing to change it. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your grandchildren, or mine.

Affirmations

2011-06-07T19:26:00.000-04:00

After months of complaining that it was Way Too Cold in Michigan, I can now say with conviction that it is Way Too Hot.   I must just be a middle-of-the-road person, I don't think I like extremes of any sort.

But I do like this: two extremely nice things happened today.    I got a letter from an airline, on whose plane I did not enjoy the Nightmare Flight back from New Orleans last month.    Although I am a big time whiner and complainer, I did not complain to them about the flight.    It was over and I was just glad to be home.    But today's mail brought me their apology and a free round-trip flight!   (I expect that I will still have to pay taxes and fees, and I know derned well that those make up most of the ticket price, but I am not going to dwell on that because any little smack of free is a good thing!)    It was a nice surprise.

I also got the sweetest complement from the mother of one of my patients.   She told me that I am the most spiritually nonjudgmental person she's ever met.   I found that very sweet, especially since I suspect that her life has brought her a great deal of undeserved judgment.    People have sometimes called me "open minded," which always makes me wonder if I have taken a position at all. But I have always suspected that the most important thing we do to foster other people's spiritual journey is to stay out of their way and let the Spirit do the work, so "spiritually nonjudgmental" is exactly where I want to be, and I was touched and happy to hear it.

As I work on balancing the pie-chart of my life, I still feel unsettled and uncertain in my new job. I spend my time in a mix of administrative and practical care. I visit people every day. It is a field where there is seldom anything to say, so I seem to do a lot of awkward standing around. Some people want to hold my hand, some turn their faces to the wall.   Some people want to tell me things they can no longer form the words to express. Some people want to pray, and I've had reason to call on my Pentecostal upbringing, my interest in meditation and Buddhism, as well as my Baptist, Lutheran, Presbyterian and Catholic pasts.     I will conduct (?) my first funeral tomorrow, and the rest of the day will be spent visiting people and wrestling with the horrors of a hospital charting system. I will be glad when I finally get at least one chart done correctly, start to finish!

Crazy

2011-06-02T08:02:00.000-04:00

I looked for almost two years before I found a job. In the beginning, I looked diligently, in the end, I was more relaxed. But, during my search, I expressed my willingness to drive over 100 miles and stay there during the work week if I had gotten any of the offers that were discussed. A couple of weeks ago, I accepted my new position in a new field. A field that doesn't pay very well but where I hope I will be useful to other people. So it should have come as no surprise that yesterday, out of the blue, I got a phone call from someone at my old employer -- the same employer that cut me loose when my daughter was so ill -- with the offer of a really good job with a ridiculous salary. My sister suggested that I should consider it. She would like me to live nearer to her, and she pointed out the practical benefits of a ridiculous salary. After all, I have barely started at my new job, which is part-time, with a lower salary and, so far, I don't feel like I'm very good at it, so why not go back to what I know? I know that what she says makes sense, but I reacted to the phone call as if I were being invited back into a bad relationship after just beginning to heal. I just said no.

AGAIN?!

2011-06-01T07:05:00.001-04:00

I numbered all of my May comments (in order of posting) and used a random generator to draw the name of my May prize winner -- and the winner is . . . (do you hear the drumroll?) . . . Snowbird, again! Snowbird-Nancy's blog, Sand Beneath My Toes, is the first blog I ever followed. She used to live in the North Country and travel to Sanibel with her husband, Chuck, whenever she was able. Somewhere along the line, she retired, moved south, and began to live the fantasy full time, to my delight (and enormous envy). She is active and fearless in animal rescue, an amazing and wonderful woman, and, although she frequently updates on Facebook, I wish she would blog more often! (nudge, nudge) Snowbird is the winner of my New Orleans praline/pecan package. Congratulations! Your prize will go into the mail this week, and I hope you enjoy it!

Fishing

2011-05-30T11:23:00.003-04:00

I got up early yesterday to drive to Grayling for my Fishing Adventure with my oldest brother, a fly fishing junkie. He cannot get enough of the sport. Every spare minute is spent with a rod in his hand; he is never without his gear. He had planned this trip for over a year, ever since I first told him I had signed up for a casting class. I found out this week that he made reservations for our guide and motel way back then.

The drive up was beautiful, if a little stressful. About half-way up, a heavy fog settled in. There was a pickup truck in front of me, I knew he was still there because we hadn't passed an exit, but he didn't have his lights on and completely disappeared in the fog. I had to trust that he was keeping the same steady speed that I was.

When the fog began to lift, the deer appeared. Most of them ran accross ahead of the pickup, sparing me the brunt of the surprise. When the truck pulled off an exit about 50 miles south of my destinstion, I became even more vigilant but the deer took pity on me and stayed at the side of the road. I saw several, including one doe licking her tiny spotted fawn. I saw other critters, too, too far ahead to identify; bog enough to be small bears but more likely large raccoons, I suppose.

I arrived early at our motel. It is super cute and country, with memorabilia all along the inside hall and bedrooms done up with crocheted pillows and quilts and baskets of dried flowers.

My brother usually arrives first but I wanted to show my appreciation, in part, but being early and eager.

We had a great day on the river, such a magical ride in a flat-bottomed fishing boat. Our guide, Charlie, was interesting. He is a retired special ed junior high school teacher, and has spent years as a fishing guide here and in New Zeeland, and traveling the world with his mandolin. I didn't hook anyone but myself - no fish, but no trees or other people, either, so it could have been worse. My brother caught several small trout, but none to brag about. We saw swimming muskrats and merganser ducks, and met up with several outspoken Canada geese. I love my brother and it was fun for me to spend the day with him.

I drove home after we had breakfast this morning. My brother will fish the rest of the week, but I need to focus again on my new job. The Fishing Adventure was a wonderful way to create a buffer between the clang of New Orleans and the pull of my work. Quiet time in nature is a great restorative, and I loved every minute.

The first thing I did when I got home was put up my flag. Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

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Contest Reminder

2011-05-27T16:27:00.000-04:00

Just a reminder, May is almost over and that means my May winner will be randomly chosen on Tuesday night. Anyone who commented on any post in May is automatically entered. The prize will include a couple of Aunt Sally's pralines, and some Creole pecans, for a value of over $15. Good luck!

Boy Howdy

2011-05-27T13:38:00.000-04:00

I got home at 7 am today, about six hours later than I expected.     It has been a very long time since I pulled an all-nighter.   From what I can recall of the one time in my life when I was hung over, I feel hung over.   Which I guess means that I'd better not make any major life decisions today, because I made some of my worst ever that day!   Sick to my stomach, aching in my head, and glad to be in my own house.

The trip was a comedy of errors.   The airline was pretty good about keeping us up-to-date on what was happening, but the result was that they lost our confidence early on.   "Hey folks," the New Orleans agent said over the loudspeaker, "the flight before you was late because of weather, so we gave them your plane when it got here and we're going to treat your flight as if it's a weather delay so there won't be any compensation."

"We're going to board now; we took a plane that was grounded because of a mechanical error and we think it's all fixed up now, thank y'all so much for your patience.   Almost all of you will miss your connections, though, and we're all overbooked for the next couple of days."

"Sorry we boarded you an hour ago, we just realized that no one ever fueled this plane, can you believe it?, and the regular fuel guys have gone home, so we're just going to sit here while we try to find someone who can fill our tank."

"Sorry that fill-up took so long, there was a squabble over payment since it wasn't our regular fuel guy. He didn't want to take our credit card so we had to write him a check."

Once landed in Atlanta, there were no signs at the gates and no flights on the electronic board.   We all rushed around trying to find someone to ask about where we should be. "Your connection is at C 16.   No wait, it's at C 8.    Where are you going again?   Oh, you can just get back on the same plane, you didn't need to get off at all."

"Sorry it took so long to get the door closed.    We realized that a couple of us left our luggage behind so we had to send for it.   Now the ramp is closed because of this little weather cell that just moved in. We were supposed to beat it but now it's just hanging over.   We'll just have to sit here now until it passes."

The crew was snappish.   The passengers were patient, although one tiny baby howled with anger every time the pilot spoke.   We all knew how he felt.

I'm not happy about any of the way I had to leave things, but I'm glad to be home.

Flight Delays

2011-05-26T21:04:00.001-04:00

Mechanical difficulties. Not exactly the mental image I want in air travel! Reminding myself of all the ways things could be worse. There are people with young children, and a lady across from me who is dressed exactly like her luggage, except that her bags are white with black flowers and her outfit is black with the same flowers in white. My sister's advice, "find a bar!", is seeming more sensible as time goes on except that everything is closed now. This was not the worst trip south I've ever taken, but didn't have the result I'd hoped for, at least not as quickly as I'd hoped. Spending hours in the airport is just icing on the cake.

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Fragile

2011-05-26T10:40:00.002-04:00

Sometimes life is a mixture of beauty and decay. Those of us who are strong enough to ride through storms are so very fortunate. Others, not so much. After months and months of promises, the Professionals' idea of "coming through" is to wait until the last possible minute and then to start trying to put together a plan. The one who needs help is ultimately the person who comes up with a plan that might work. Fingers crossed.

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Baby Steps

2011-05-25T15:31:00.001-04:00

Prescriptions: check. Paperwork gathered and consent signed: check. Missing foodstamp card given up as lost: check. Feeling hot and sticky and tired: check. Face-to-face with Protective Services: check. Appointments set all afternoon and evening: check. Trying to remain hopeful that this plan will work out: double check.

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Shopping

2011-05-24T21:20:00.001-04:00

Today, on Magazine Street, I saw a little girl walking with her adults. She had a pacifier in her mouth and was carrying a can of Red Bull. But I also saw a large hawk swoop down and grab a pigeon before retreating to the top of the highest nearby roof to enjoy his dinner. And then a cab driver made several men who had been waiting longer than us wait longer still, because we are ladies and they were not. And the waiting men agreed that made sense. Just when I'm sick to death of this town, it gets all charming on me.

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Going Down

2011-05-24T14:25:00.001-04:00

Another day inside a hotel room making endless phone calls and wondering in between who the heck am I to encourage people to have any faith? The doctor says fill this prescription right away. Medicaid says it's not covered. The social worker says she can be admitted this week. The hospital says they don't have a bed. It's back and forth and she sleeps through it all, then goes to visit friends all night despite my protests. I need to get out and buy a suitcase, to have her packed, just in case things work out. Things are made worse by my belief that we should do the necessary stuff before we do the more frivolous things she says she wants to do. Rather than talk about it, she draws a line in the sand and refuses to get out of bed. When she rouses at all, it's to insist she can't possibly go to treatment without a new pair of cowboy boots. Yee haw.

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May Giveaway

2011-05-22T19:51:00.001-04:00

There are still several days left before the May 31 drawing for my most recent winner! I'm putting the prize together now!

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Quiet Time In NOLA

2011-05-21T12:51:00.001-04:00

Pickled pig lips on the counter at Walgreens, something I haven't seen in Saginaw, although we have hog farms nearby. Lots of meetings this week. I am finding, not for the first time, that - although I do not like to be around addiction - I like recovering addicts a lot better than most of the professionals who run their lives. As is also often true in hospice, there is a raw honesty in their meetings, no need to hide their fears and faults. People at their most essential selves. A man last night explained his view of the difference between religion and spirituality for the group. 'religion can save your soul,' he told them, 'but the spirituality of the 12 steps can save your ass, which might help you find your soul in the first place.'

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Some Kind Of Town

2011-05-20T23:58:00.001-04:00

Biil boards on the expressway say, " YOUR WIFE IS HOT.". The most amazing things are for sale. People pour on the charm and promise everything while delivering very little. It has its charms, but this is not my favorite city. I tell the taxi driver that we want to go to a certain address. $30 each way, four times a week. What's there, he asks. A clinic, I answer. But the girl next to me leans forward, a little too much perfume and make-up, but proud and definite. ARNO, she says. Addiction Resources, New Orleans. 41 days clean. I hope the same can be said tomorrow because she insists on visiting a friend from the old life tonight. The magnolias are just starting to bloom. They are beautiful and fragile.

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Forget Me Not

2011-05-17T06:00:00.001-04:00

On my way south to visit my daughter. If I can get a signal, I'll blog from the 'road.' Otherwise, I'll be back at the end of the month to draw my May Winner!

You're A WHAT?!?

2011-05-13T14:26:00.000-04:00

Sit down, everybody, and try not to react out loud. Any outbursts and I'll have to clear the room.

I got a job. A part-time job. And I know it's not the kind of job you expected, because it most definitely is not the kind of job that I expected.

I was hired to be a Hospice Chaplain.

(Gasp.)

I know. It scares me, too. One of the worst things about the job (aside from the computer system) is the title. I will be working with people of different faiths, and some who are not “churched” at all. I asked them if I could be called something like Truth Seeker, or Fellow Travelor, but no dice. Insurance codes, you know. Turns out that I am a “chaplain” because of my degree. Without it, I would be a “spiritual advisor.” Those seem to be the two options that are available – what do you think? If you are not Christian, which is less offensive? If you ARE, which would you prefer?

Anyone who knows all about the history of my relationship with religion[s] and spirituality would realize -- oh, wait, there isn't anyone who knows all about that. But the thing is, I have the credentials (M.A. pastoral ministry), I used to love this kind of work (which I cannot say about the law), and it was offered to me after I planted my intention with the Universe (by whatever name you know it) to do something useful so it seemed like it would be ungrateful to turn it down.

After my first week I can tell you this: The one patient I have been assigned so far is a joy and an inspiration. But the medical charting system, the details of the paperwork, and the calendar full of programs and training sessions that fall within my department are daunting. I am exhausted. Seriously.

Welcome back to the world of work. Wish me well. Advice is welcome.

My Tank Holds 17 Gallons. Do The Math.

2011-05-05T18:44:00.000-04:00