Thursday, November 12, 2015

Stars In My Eyes

Have you had a chance to star watch during the Taurid Meteor Shower this month?   A friend and I camped out in sleeping bags for several hours in the middle of a country field last week, on the one clear night we've had lately.   We saw a few ordinary shooting stars and enjoyed them very much, but just before we gave up and packed it all in, we saw one huge blazing meteor cross the entire sky in a very large ball of fire.   It lasted several seconds while we oooo-ed and ahhhhh-d.   I felt so very lucky to see it, and it was like being a child again to be wrapped in my sleeping bag on the wet grass, up way past my bedtime.    Magical.  The next morning I slept late, but even at 9 am there was frost on the lawn.   The weather here is turning, make no mistake.

My birthday is later this month and, as seems to be my practice, I have been doing a fair amount of  introspective Life Review these past weeks.  A friend, talking about someone else, made the remark that "you can't love someone into loving you," and the phrase struck such a chord with me.   I wish someone had convinced me of that decades ago, it might have changed the course of my life, because I have quite a history of people I've tried to love to that point.   Now, at the inner edge of 66, I need to decide whether to take it to heart.  On the one hand, it seems like it is too late to try to change such a constant part of my personality.  It has always been hard for me to move on from someone you love, even when I have been given every indication that it is a one-way street.   And of course I always dread the idea of change, although I know that fear is a very bad way to make life decisions.   Especially this kind of fear, where one decides without knowing what will really happen.  After all, there is no reason why friendship could not remain even as the focus changes,  and no good reason to close doors because of the fear of losing the good things I already have.  Thing is, at any age, but especially at this age, a good friendship would be a terrible thing to lose, and my gut tells me that if I went looking for more I would lose much of what I already have.  On the other hand, this part of my life is the only (and probably last) time I can try to make those changes, and more than anything, my whole life longing has been to have a Certain Kind of relationship.  It is hard to give that dream up, even now.   And so I think myself in circles.   I'll probably do that until after my birthday, and then go on, life as usual.   I really do not like change, and I already have much to be grateful for.

I got to spend a day this week with my slightly-sick grandson.   There is nothing sweeter than a slightly-sick child, a child in no danger, a child with just a cold.   It slowed him down enough so that our energy levels were a good match, and there was quiet time to talk and catch up.   Sweet times with a child who is growing up so fast.  He will be eleven in a week, hard to imagine.   It seems like only yesterday he was calling me "gah" because he couldn't say grandma.  :)

My attempt at healthier eating continues to go well -- the exercise portion of the plan not quite as well -- but I have lost about 8 pounds so I am not complaining.   A drop in the bucket with a good chunk of chunkiness still to go, but still.  Keeping away from sugar remains a challenge, but it is no longer my most constant thought so I guess that's progress!  It is chilly and windy here today, despite my sweat pants and wool shirt -- I need to find some indoor activity to replace the outdoor walking that has been my mainstay.  

I hope you are all staying warm and having happy thoughts and moments of magic.     There is much to be thankful for in this Thanksgiving season.