Saturday, December 26, 2015

Done Scrooging

Maybe I am not a Christmas Person.   It always ends up being a sad, or at least pensive season for me.    I am generally pretty good about letting things roll off my back, I do not usually take offense easily and I am quick to excuse people when I feel hurt.   I spend more time worrying about the feelings of others than about my own.   

But this time of year, especially the time leading up to Christmas, my feelings are easily wounded, even over things I know are silly or at least unintended.   I feel unimportant to the people in my life and, more than other times of years, it matters to me.     It's as if, instead of fairy dust, I have been sprinkled with hormones.  And trust me when I say that, at this stage of life, being sprinkled with unexpected hormones is not a good thing!   This is the time of year that, when a friend calls and invites me to 'a family thing,' I am inclined to decline, because I am not part of their family.    I feel more lonely, less worthy, less loved, than usual.      

I know it is childish.  I see it happening, but it always takes me a little time and a lot of effort to shake it off.   And this is the time of year when being a lone wolf makes me especially raw.   It is an awkward time to be the third wheel, to feel as if my forehead is stamped with red block letters saying 'reject.'   And I am finding that being old and unattached is even worse than being young and single was.    And of course, being old and single and retired just gives me more time to dwell on it it all.    

Eventually, of course, even I have to laugh at myself for being so pathetic, and my good humor does return in spite of the hurt, just because of the ridiculousness of it all.   That won't always stop the tears, but it does remind me that this will pass.   I know that I am blessed beyond reason, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

So I do the things one does when silliness overtakes us.   I try to put others first, I push myself to accept invitations and hope I won't be a wet blanket when I get there.

I baked cookies to take to my search and rescue group, to the 911 operators and to the police officers who are on duty.    (Cheat admission:   I promised myself I wouldn't eat any, but I dropped a whole tray of them on the floor when I was taking them from the oven.   I was was able to catch two of them but they broke in my hands.  Everyone knows that broken cookies don't count, so . . . . )    Even so, and despite the lack of exercise this past week, I am happy to report that my post-Christmas weight is 2 pounds less than my pre-Christmas weight was.  
And I started sewing last-minute projects with scraps and orphaned socks, hoping they would work out well enough to give as gifts but knowing that they might well end up in scrap heaven or as dog toys.   Some of them worked, some of them didn't.

And, in fact, Christmas ended up being lovely, despite my self pity.   I saw the new Star Wars with the Littles after thinking I would never see it at all, I spent Christmas Eve with precious friends, and was surrounded by people I love, and a few who love me, on Christmas.  

I hope you all had a more joyous and grown-up Christmas preparation than I did, and hope that Christmas itself exceeded your expectations!   Mine definitely did.

And by the way, the Goole-plus warnings given recently by Cat Patches are spot on -- please don't lose me in the transition, and don't let me lose you, either!

1 comment:

Kim@Snug Harbor said...

I don't know how to respond to this, other than to say there are days when I know exactly what you mean. Even tho I know my husband and my kids love me, sometimes I feel like I am off by myself and alone. I have a feeling you know what I'm talking about. xo Here's to a new year, and as always, new beginnings.