Powerless

We had three days without power this month during a cold snap, and another several hours on a second occasion.  Although we bought a new generator a couple years ago, and tested it then, it did not work when we pulled it out to actually use it.  We could have afforded to go to a hotel, but Jack was worried about pipes freezing.  After a long day of dead ends, after the first full day without power or heat, when the house started to get cold enough to worry us a bit, he borrowed back an old generator that he had passed down to his kids.  Using the old generator, after 6 more trips to the hardware store for bits and pieces to get it running, he was able to turn on the heat and hot water in 6-hour stints to protect our pipes, which was our main concern.   We were never dangerously cold, no threat to life, and I had 6 layers of clothing and a whole pile of quilts, but you would have thought from my internal whining that I was suffering a crisis.  Which made me (finally)  think about the many people in the world who, in fact, are suffering exactly that.  I am so spoiled, and no matter how much I give to charity, no matter how "liberal" my vote, I have no idea what life is like for the countless people who, through accident of birth, are without food, water, and heat this winter., and who aren't going to see a fix after just a couple of days  And yet I, with nothing to complain about, found myself complaining at the slightest inconvenience.  I become cranky so easily at so little.  It is definitely time for me to count some blessings.

Not a Total Slacker

To my surprise, I started this year with a sewing surge.  To be clear, I am not a great quilter; I make only the most simple quilts, and I am on the far other end of perfection in my craft.  For instance, today I realized that I put two whole rows upside down on a quilt I was assembling, shrugged, and called it done.  I chalk every mistake up to a “design decision” because no one knows what I intended in the first place, and so far no one has noticed or cared.  That said, I have still been more productive at this point in 2024 than in any recent year, and have completed 5 quilt tops so far, with two more in the works, a third "lazy goose" and another one with the Charley Harper bird prints.  They are both mostly cut out and waiting for background fabric.  Since I “quilt by checkbook,” it might be awhile before they are truly finished and in the stack for people to see at my year-end review, which is fine since the year-end won’t happen for . . . a year.   

I also found an old quilt top that was hand-pieced by my mother.   It has been in a box since she died, and was made sometime prior to 1990, and the cutting and sewing was all done by hand, using a cardboard template that she made herself.  She made quilt  tops for several family members - my daughter and the men and boys in the family - and sent them to an Appalachian quilt guild to be hand quilted, and this must be the last one she was able to complete since she never mailed it off for quilting.  My mother had sewn her whole life, making all of her and many of my dresses when I was young.  She had dementia that developed over many years, and it is evident to me from the uneven stitches in this quilt top that she was probably nearing the point where she could no longer sew.  My relationship with her was fraught, and I did not keep any of the un-gifted quilts she made, sending them instead to a brother who wanted them.  I am finally ready to have this last quilt top backed and quilted, hoping that my son or a grandchild might like to have it. 

I doubt that I’ll continue to complete projects at this pace and that’s okay, although it would be nice to use up more of the fabric that is stacked up in my sewing room.   Whether I do or not, it feels good to have made a productive start to the new year.

Projects of 2023 - photo heavy

2023 felt like a very slow sewing year, but I got more done than I realized, and not everything is even pictured.  I finished quite a few quilts and bags, an assortment of ornaments and tea towels and table runners, and also made pillowcases, jar openers and napkins for my whole family.  Of course I haven't even put a dent in my stash/project pile, so we'll see what this year brings.

The End of a Difficult Year

2023 has been a challenge for me, from beginning to end.  Although I am grateful for many things that happened this year, it knocked the wind out of me in other ways.  The year began with a visit to New Orleans and my daughter, and I am extremely grateful for that, although at the time it broke my heart.   Though we talked almost daily, I had not seen Ruth in person for over five years, for a variety of reasons.  Some of those reasons were mine, and I regret my reluctance to visit; Ruth was always excited for me to come, but her addiction interfered more each time, and the past several visits were disappointing to both of us because she was only able to “get it together” to see me once or twice during my week-long visits.  I could not justify the expense to travel there and spend a week alone, and she could not stay sober, so I put off visiting more than I should have.  Then, too, she spent some of those years in jail or in rehab.  She was not able to come to my wedding because she could not leave the state, and then there was Covid.  So way too much time went by between visits.  I am grateful that we talked all the time, all those years, whenever we could.   Even last January, when I was available to be with her 24-7, we only got together for three short visits, despite both our plans to the contrary.   When I saw her I was shocked at how her health had deteriorated since the last time we had been together.  So shocked by her appearance, in fact, that I did not take our usual ‘selfie’ before I left for home, which of course I deeply regret.  But Ruth promised me and herself that she was ready to fully commit to rehab, and we talked and cheered her on over the next weeks, both of us hopeful because this was the first time she had really, really wanted to get help.  Her social worker promised that she was going to a long-term facility and would be there for a month or more, and she couldn’t wait.  I sent her a duffle bag I’d made, packed with the labeled belongings she was told to bring, and I had a box ready to mail with the items the facility said I could provide.  Ruth called me when she arrived and she was excited to begin, but only a few days later she called again to say that there was an “insurance problem” and they were sending her home until they could straighten it out.  She arrived home on a Friday to find another woman with her boyfriend in their apartment, wearing her clothes, but she promised me that her focus remained on sobriety despite the hurt and sadness.  We were in almost constant touch as she tried to process her next steps.  She was dead a few days later.

Ruth was found on a Friday in March and that is her official date of death, but I had talked to her several times the previous Monday and could not reach her after that, despite dozens of attempts.  Her boyfriend left her alone Monday night, passed out on the bed, and he was the one who found her in the same place when he finally returned home the following Friday, so I believe she died on Monday evening and was already dying or  even dead when he left.  

As I told her constantly, I was proud of Ruth; she was brave and creative and hopeful and kind to others, but undermined by outside forces and experiences, many of which were beyond her control.  She struggled much of her life with PTSD, along with other diagnoses.  I have wished a million times that I could have done a better job of protecting her, that I could go back to find the thread of her life and stop it from unraveling.   I’ve been told by several people that there will come a time when I am grateful, at least, that Ruth no longer  has to struggle, but I doubt that will happen unless I get over the fact that she had to suffer at all, and I don’t see that happening anytime soon.  Talk of religion only makes me bitter.

Every moment of the remainder of the year was tainted by the loss of my youngest child, and of course that undercurrent will be with me for the rest of my life.  But the year also brought many things I am grateful to have experienced.  This year marked the high school graduation and start of college for my oldest grandchild, an extremely talented musician and mathematician, who brings me joy every time I think of him.   I saw him and his sister perform with their orchestra several times, including a performance of a piece composed by my grandson.  That was a special thrill.  This is the senior year of high school for my next oldest grand, who is a stellar student, a talented musician and artist who also delights my soul.  

In a very different way than with Ruth, I am so proud of them both.  With Ruth my pride was always tinged with regret for the things she had suffered, and my memories are touched with the same.  With the grands, my feelings have no such conflict.  They are both accomplished and smart and doing remarkable things, but my pride and joy in them stems mostly from how decent and thoughtful they are.  They are genuinely nice people.  I want them to be happy but beyond that, it doesn’t matter to me what they choose to do or become.  They are enough in themselves to make me proud.  And both of them seem to be level-headed and to have a foundation of  love and confidence that makes me so very happy.

My son and his wife celebrated their 22nd anniversary this year and as always, I am amazed at how time has flown by since I first met and fell in love with the woman my beloved son would eventually marry and raise children with.  They and their family are certainly the best thing in my life, always.  And in my birth family, two of my siblings, both with severe health issues, continued to do better than anyone expects, and I am grateful for the time we’ve had together, and which we cherish more every year.  Meanwhile my third sibling, the healthiest of the lot, continues to run marathons and break records in his age group.  Jack's children live close by and we are grateful to be able to spend time with them so often.

Jack and I are getting older, and that is also a matter of good fortune.  We feel lucky to be doing it together.   

And my little “bonus” grandson, born to my step-daughter two and a half years ago, is a bright and beautiful delight.  His messy kisses, sticky fingers and cute little demands are wonderful in themselves, but they also bring memories of all the other children I’ve loved as they moved through those darling toddler years.

Because Jack and I have Covid I will be missing our annual Chocolate Fondue New Year's celebration, my favorite holiday of the year, and I am very sad about that.  There is something special about a tradition that goes all the way back to when my son was a little boy, and I look forward to it all year, which has nothing to do with the chocolate.   So I will miss being with my family, as we all get older and more spread out, our times together are more precious every year.  Besides the concern of infection, this virus has knocked me flat; I feel terrible.  So I'm not happy about any of it, but maybe I can find some small benefit in having this evening of quiet reflection.  In some ways it is a fitting way to end a difficult year.

It has been a difficult year, but I remain luckier than most and grateful for all the good.   I will try to focus on that in the coming year.  Here's hoping that 2024 will bring peace and health to all of us.

Covid Calling

Jack and I have been very lucky; almost everyone we know has had Covid at one time or another since the pandemic began, and my sister is still suffering the devastating effects of Long Covid.  We have taken advantage of every vaccination, and have been careful to avoid crowds as much as possible.   But things finally came home to roost this week, when Jack tested positive for Covid a couple of days after Christmas.   His symptoms are mild, but it means he will miss our annual New Year’s Eve chocolate fondue, my favorite event of the year.   And now we are waiting to see whether it means that I will miss it, too.   Jack and I are keeping distance between us to try to stop the spread.  I feel like I am coming down with a cold, but so far I have tested negative for Covid.  Fingers crossed . . . 

Edging Into Summer

Jack was out of town for the weekend at his brother Mark’s estate sale in southern Illinois.  There was a  lot of work to get ready for the auction so it was not the restful family time that he really craved, but he was be glad that he went.  He took the trip by train with his son Zachary, and enjoyed the extra time with Zack but it was a short trip and they were both exhausted by the end of it.  Here at home I was surprised at how big and empty the house felt as soon as he was gone.  I lived alone for years and have no problem with a singular life, and since we are both in and out most days, being home alone for a few hours is certainly not unusual for either of us now.  So it was interesting how alone I suddenly was even in the first hours while he was on his way to the station.  But of course I adjusted and have to admit, I sort of enjoyed the miracle of a house that remained clean even if I averted my gaze.  Even so, we were both glad to have him  home again.

My grandson’s high school graduation party was this past weekend, too, which is the reason I did not go with Jack.  I know I have a slight bias, but I thought it was a wonderful party.   The weather was perhaps just a bit too hot and sunny, but gorgeous.  The guests were a diverse combination of people — relatives, work colleagues of his parents, neighbors, former teachers, friends, even my older brother! — just a nice mix of people coming together to celebrate him.  And the food, from a Middle Eastern restaurant I had not yet visited, was fantastic.  I had such a nice time.  I am finding that time with my family provides more healing and comfort than anything else.

I have managed a bit of sewing, although it is still slow going.    I finished a quilt top today and am sewing some napkins with random fat quarters that I will put away  to include with gifts.  It has been a very slow sewing year but I am hoping to start getting more done.  My list of unfinished and undone projects seems endless.  Instead of sewing - or cleaning, or cooking - I am spending way too much time sitting in my chair with a book or my laptop, but as a result I have really been able to enjoy the orioles that feed at the window grape jelly station.  The undergrowth out back makes it nearly impossible to see deer or other critters, but the birds are regular visitors and we do enjoy them.  We are enjoying the chipmunks a little less -- I have only one cherry tomato plant and the little rascally rodents delight in taking a single bite out of every tomato they can reach.  

I have been lazy about meal planning lately but the local Farmers’ Markets are starting to get good and I hope that will give me some inspiration!  Today I found strawberries, cherries, zucchini, tomatoes, radishes and snap peas!  It’s starting to be the best, however brief, time of year here.  Jack will, I predict, be a very happy fella if I start cooking more regularly again!

Life Goes On

It is still chilly here most days, but there has been a bit more sunshine, which I appreciate.  My sister and I spent a day at a spa about half-way between our two homes, and I think she enjoyed it.  I discovered (again) that my  muscles are so tight that massage hurts more than it helps, but I did have a lovely facial.  And I have sparkly polish on my toe nails.  It was good to do something different, very self indulgent, and with absolutely no pressure.

My grandson is finished with high school and has had a hectic month or so.  Since mid-May, he played a concerto solo at his last performance with the Saginaw Bay Youth Orchestra, he traveled to Dallas as a finalist in the International Science Fair, he graduated (with honors) from high school, and he went on vacation to Washington (the State) for a week.  There he hiked Mt. Rainier, spent a day on a beach. and visited the Hoh rainforest, but the thing I was most envious of was an incredibly close encounter with orcas, which swam right up to and under the boat!  As soon as he returned home he had his college orientation, and in another week he will have his graduation party and then be off to cello camp.  I  have not seen him since graduation day, so I am really looking forward to hearing all about his adventures the next time we get together!  We have been looking at photos lately of when he and his sister were young, and it makes my brain spin at how quickly those years seemed to pass.  I miss the babies that they were, but I am so incredibly proud of him now.  He is a genuinely kind person, in addition to being smart and talented and handsome and interesting to talk to.  I never have enough time with him and I know that time together will be even more constrained from here on out as he goes away to school and on to a whole new life.  

My granddaughter finished her junior year of high school and is already looking ahead to next year when she will graduate.  So she is giving thought to colleges and majors, but also to senior pictures and prom dresses.  She is preparing for a violin recital next week and I am really looking forward to that.  She played at an outdoor festival this week on very short notice and handled it like a professional.  I went with her to the festival and then she came back to our house to have dinner with us and play for a bit with little George.  She is a bright light, charming and smart and skilled, and spending time with her is always a delight for me.  She and her brother are different in many ways but they complement each other perfectly and it makes my heart happy to be with the two of them when they are together.

The good parts of life go by so quickly.   I can't slow time down, and I can't bring back the past.  But I will take every opportunity this summer to see my Grands and their parents as often as possible and be grateful for as much time as we have.