Welcome 2013 -- Best. Year. Ever.

 As many of you have noticed, I am a list maker.    I make lists for every day and every project and every dream of my life.   I apparently think there is power in the written word, although there has rarely been enough 'power' for me to actually get the things on my lists done.    But this year I am taking a different approach.    My New Year's Resolution for 2013 is a simple one.   Simply this:   I am going to make it the Best Year Ever.    I have some ideas about what that might mean, but I am going to be flexible about it and hopefully open to new adventures and opportunities as they arise.   I have watched a lot of people die this past year, and I know how fragile health and life is.     Would it have been a good idea to make this resolution 30 years ago?     Indubitably.   But all I have is the now, and so now it's going to be.

I'm like an old house; the more I fix, the more I find that needs fixing.   As a start, there is exterior work to be done.   I've already begun to walk a mile several times a week, and I've joined a gym where I hope to do circuit training at least once a week.   All of the strong, beautiful women I know who are my age or older exercise regularly.    It's no longer an option, it's going to have to become as regular as breathing if I want to have the best of anything.

And of course, there is a lot of interior repair needed, too.    I am more aware all the time that it hasn't been inadequacy, or lack of prettiness/skinniness/smartness/value that's held me back from the things I want.    More than ever, after following the Books by Women on Sew We Quilt, I am more convinced lately that it hasn't even just been fear; but that it's been that pervasive shame that springs up from that treasure-trove of embarrassment and humiliation that so many of us carry through our lives.    Yes, you might as well know:  I did go to school once as a little girl wearing my skirt inside out.   My mom wasn't good about noticing what I did or wore or wanted, so I was on my own from the time I was very small, and I wore more than one poor choice of outfit over the years.    To this day, if anything I wear brings notice, I assume that it's because it's inappropriate somehow, never because it's nice or attractive.   I've carried the assumption that every failed relationship failed because of me, and that every job disappointment was because of something missing in me.    It's just another way of making myself the Center of the Universe, I guess, but in a way that gives me no benefit.   I'm going to try to stop taking that negative credit for things that don't go my way and embrace, instead, the wonderful randomness and unpredictability that simply happens as we falter through life.   Sometimes things work.  Sometimes they don't.   Sometimes there's chemistry.   Sometimes there's not.   No fault.   No blame.

I have enjoyed being more creative and crafty this past year, and I want that to continue.   I hope to piece at least two quilt tops, and try some other crafts.

I want to bring more of the outdoors into my life.   I have a kayak.   I have a fly rod.    I have a gun.    And I live in a beautiful state.    I hope to find ways to explore it all.

And I hope not to do it alone.   This will be my biggest challenge.    I've been alone a very, very (very) long time.  I know all about the odds, and how against me they are.    I might be past my sell-by date.    I might not be flexible enough to fit someone in.   But I'm going to give it my best shot.

And I'm going to try to freeze frame these moments with my Grands.    They are such a delight.    I am already so very lucky.

Happy New Year everybody.    Welcome to 2013.    It's going to be the Best Year Ever.