November

 Time has been flying by.   I can’t believe it has been so many months since I posted.  So much has happened, and yet so little.  My big grands are both in college and I am still and always endlessly proud of them.  They are smart and kind and level headed, genuinely good people.  Now that the political world seems to be changing in ways that make me anxious and confused, now that the political future of this country seems so uncertain, I find myself hoping and fearing for them in almost equal measures.  They are the bright lights in my world.

The little grand is changing from a baby to a child and is a frenetic delight.  He brings the wide-eyed sincerity that only a three-year-old possesses, sweet and uncomplicated.  He makes me think so much of my daughter at that age, when everything seemed possible, and makes me yearn for a do-over.  I was never an overly optimistic person, my life didn’t tend in that direction in the early years, but I’ve thought of myself as a realist, so my constantly wishing and reliving her childhood has been something of a surprise.   The funny thing about grief is that it causes constant pain and yet we are loath to give it up.

Nothing very much is new in our small lives, even though it seems like so very much is new in the world.  Jack and I took a quick trip to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania this summer, and it was more interesting than I expected.  I realized there, learning more about the history of the Civil War, that the seeds of what we are seeing now have been lying dormant, waiting for a chance to grow, all this time.   So the trip was more depressing than refreshing and, because Jack didn’t want to be away from home long, because it was a long way there and back, because all the sights there required driving, and because I am the driver, it was exhausting for me.  I will push harder for a “down” day between the long drives the next time we decide to travel.  We've talked about taking a trip for our anniversary, which is early next month, but we know the weather will be unpredictable so we will probably defer that until late spring if we do it at all.    

It is nearly time for me to feel justified in putting up a Christmas tree, which is something that I look forward to a lot more than Jack does!    I generally get up earlier in the morning than my husband does, and I love sipping my coffee by the light of the tree before the sun comes up.   There is something bittersweet, but soothing, about those little lights.

Jack and I are starting to toy with the idea of downsizing our home in the next two or three years.  I think that means I should probably finish unpacking and organizing from our move here five years ago.  It seems like everywhere I look I see a stack of things I don’t know what to do with.   In that spirit, I am making lists of all the things I should be sorting through, but so far I am  not doing any of it.  Maybe tomorrow!  (Maybe not.)