Thursday, May 31, 2012

Plastic Wrap

I often feel inauthentic in my hospice job. People attribute to me a level of religiosity and spirituality that I don't deserve. Not long ago I had a strange and disturbing dream. I was wrapped in pink saran wrap, with wide bands of raw onion worn as bracelets on my wrists and ankles. It started as a hide and seek game, where someone was trying to find me, but I knew in the dream that I was invisible so long as I had my plastic wrap and onion jewelry. Suddenly it occurred to the dream-me that my invisibility could one day disappear, and I began to run and run, up stairs and down. I stopped, my heart beating wildly, and asked myself, what will they do to me when they find me? I awakened in a panic. As I lay awake, heart pounding, I wondered, what will they do to me if they ever find the genuine me?

Maybe I've been watching too much Dexter.


Kim@Snug Harbor said...

People who need hospice care need the services you can provide. How do you know, that in the larger scheme of things, you aren't doing exactly what God intends for you to be doing? You may be more genuine than you realize.

spindelmaker said...

I´ve been thinking slightly along the same path as you, and have concluded: it would be very boring if we were perfect and all good. We are only human is such a worn phrase, but it does hold a lot of truth. I know I am not as good as I would like to be, even as good as I think I am, and certainly not as good as I espire (try?) to be, but I am in good company. Nobody else is perfect, why should I beat myself up for not being perfect. I have therefore decided to embrace my faults, along with my "goods", they are what make me me. I think people who try to do good, have a genuine wish of being good, being caring, being there for others, being conciderate and caring.