Monday, January 9, 2012

I made a new recipe yesterday, one of those test recipes that I am not allowed to share, with brown rice, poblano peppers, tomato, lime, and avocado.  Nothing about it sounded good to me, but, to my surprise,  it was delicious.
Things at work are in some sort of flux.    Political factions seem to be pulling and pushing in ways that I don't understand, and I don't know whether or when any of it will affect my role.  At the moment, things seem to be the same as always, except that I don't know where to turn in my time sheet this week.     Part of me isn't sure whether to care because I am still not convinced this is a good fit for me.   Hospice work can be, if you'll pardon the obvious, a little unsettling.     It is wonderful to feel helpful, but not so good to feel constantly awash in sadness and death.     On top of that, I so often feel like a hypocrite.    I am not sure, not one bit sure, what I believe, and I have never experienced the kinds of relationships that so many of these people have.    Also, I am not entirely convinced that it is good for me to be involved in this series of intense, short, and very real relationships at work when I don't have the security, the safety, of a genuine relationship to center me once I'm home.  

And I find myself getting superstitious.   I'm not sure whether this comes from my fundamentalist upbringing or my pagan youth, or maybe it's a combination of my troubled youngest and my aging body.   But I wonder whether, by sending me to hospice, the Universe is teaching me to grieve, or to die?   I am, of course, hoping to be spared both.
At this point, I am not thinking about quitting this job, because there are, obviously, many lessons here, just wondering whether the job will be swept out from under me.     I am trying to be more aware of the currents than I was in my last job, noticing that changes are afoot.  I need to remember that the extra money has been a good thing, but that it would be better for me to spend less rather than make more.    If another "downsize" is coming, I would like to be less surprised than I was the last time.  But I've learned, over and over and over again, that you can never be really prepared for the surprises around the corner.   I comfort myself, a little, with the knowledge that I will roll with them when they come.    And who knows.   Maybe whatever life has in store for me next will be delicious, despite my concerns.


Kim@Snug Harbor said...

I don't know if I could do what you do for a living. You must be a blessing for people in just being there for them, but I would be crying inside all the time. You're really a special person to be able to handle that. Maybe this job is just preparing you for a BETTER job down the line?

Debbie V. said...

I am also "on alert" all the time at work now that good jobs are in such high demand, esp in my age bracket. I remind myself not to take it for granted that I am doing my job but to reach out a little more in ways that do not come natural for me (hobnobbing with coworkers for instance). I take every opportunity that comes my way for training or taking on little tasks.
I can see how your job could have a depressing effect on how you feel about life esp without a person who taking care of you at home. You must do a lot of digging up of your inner resources to be able to keep being there for other hurting people.